FatCat Baby

1 week

2008-11-17T21:01:00.005-05:00

My little baby is 1 week old today. On one hand it went so fast, on the other it seems like he has been here forever. So what has happened over the last week?

I'll start with my recovery. The first few days were really rough. I was in a lot of pain. It was hard to move and I couldnt find a comfortable position unless I was laying down. And then it seemed like one day it was better as long as I didnt try to do too much. Now it is really ok, some discomfort sometimes but a million times better. I had no idea what it looks like down there, I havent looked. I think my stitches are dissolvable but I dont know how long it takes for them to dissolve. I am just going to wait until my post-partum appointment to even worry about what is going on down there. Weight loss? When I got home from the hospital I was only down 2 lbs but as of today I am down 12. That leaves 12 more to go to get to my prepregnancy weight but I would like to lose an additional 10-20 to get back to where I was before all of this ttc stuff started.

Now for the fun stuff... the baby!! First, he is absolutely adorable. He makes the cutest faces and already has little habits and a personality. He smells absolutely delicious! I just cant get enough of him. He has been breastfeeding like a champ. He really seemed to pick it up almost instantly. I though we were going to have problems but we're lucky so far. He is doing really well at night too. Some nights are worse than others but last night he ate at 11, 3 and 7. He goes right back to sleep after eating so there is no walking around the house in the middle of the night trying to settle a cranky baby. On the hard nights he is a little fussy or maybe doesnt go down right away but we really only had one night where one of us was awake the entire night and that was because he was in pain - gas or reflux, I'm not sure.

So I'm wondering, is there some kind of honeymoon period? Is this going to suddenly get harder one day? He is just such a good baby that I figure it must be too good to be true. Also, what about the post-partum hormones? I have really been feeling great. There has been 2 nights that I cried for no reason but besides that I am feeling good.

How Hayden Arrived

2008-11-13T08:31:00.004-05:00

On Monday, 11/10, I woke up at 4am to call the hospital to see if they had a bed available for me for my 6am induction. They did not and told me to call back at 8am, I was really discouraged but was able to get a few more hours of sleep. At 8 they told me to come in immediately. We got there around 8:30 after rushing around trying to make sure we had everything. I was fully expecting them to say come in at 10 or call back later so we were kind of taken by surprise. By 9am we were in our room and my IV was started. Dr. B came in to check me and I was 6cm. My moms best friend, Aunt Marie, is a L&D nurse and I was so lucky that she came in on her day off to be my nurse, she got there around 10. She had made lots of plans to make my experience the best it could be and we are so grateful. Since it was expected that my labor would progress quickly, we decided to get the epidural before starting pitocin or breaking my water. I was a little anxious about the epidural because I typically dont do well with anesthesia - I was right. It was uncomfortable but not painful but when he started injecting the meds my bp dropped significantly and I was feeling dizzy and sick. They only gave me a small dose to give my bp a chance to go back up and once it did I received a little more but still not a complete dose. Immediately pitocin was started and Dr. B broke my water, it was now around 11am. The anesthesiologist stopped back a few minutes later and we determined that I was only numb from my hips down and was feeling the contractions so he gave me the complete dose and we were on our way! At 12:15 Aunt Marie checked me and said she couldnt find my cervix! It was confirmed by Dr. B that I was 10cm and 100% effaced but he was still pretty high. Rather than push for hours they decided to have me labor down for a little while to see if my contractions would bring him down. Luckily I couldnt feel anything so waiting a while rather than pushing forever seemed like a great idea. After an hour I still hadnt made much progress and Dr. B had to do a c-section for another patient so we decided to wait another hour. By 2:30 he had come down a little bit so we decided to start pushing. It was just me, B, Aunt Marie and a nursing student in the room - with lots of people in the waiting room! For the first few contractions I had no urge to push and couldnt feel anything so I wasnt pushing correctly. I knew I wasnt doing it right but couldnt change it, it was really frustrating. Eventually I either got more feeling or he moved down a little more and I was able to start pushing effectively. B was a great coach! He was holding my leg back and counting and rooting for me. In between contractions he was full of sweet things to say and very encouraging. After pushing for an hour I was getting kind of tired and frustrated. I couldnt see anything so I couldnt tell if I was making progress. Everyone was telling me that I was but I thought they were lying just to get me to keep going. Aunt Marie said that she thought he would be here by 4 and I didnt believe her at all. They all saw his hair while I was pushing and B said his hair was sticking out and Aunt Marie would twirl it because it was so long! All during that time the only pain I had was in my neck and shoulders from being curled forward and tense! Funny that as I'm pushing out a baby the thing that I'm complaining about is needing a shoulder rub. Soon things started to get pretty intense so I dont quite remember details but I know that Dr. B came in, saw me push a few times and started to get dressed. I could feel the pressure of the babys head coming down which really helped me continue to push. At some point he did an episiotomy but I didnt feel or notice it. I remember thinking it was so odd because I was the only one that didnt know what was going on. Everyone kept telling me how great I was doing and all that but I couldnt actually see how far he had come down. I dont think I would have wanted a mirror but I am so used to watching all of the baby shows on tv that it just seemed odd. It seemed like all of a sudden things changed, everyone got more excited and Dr. B said he thought it would be one more contraction. Aunt Marie grabbed my hand and had me touch his head and I immediately started crying. I think it was a combination of everything we had worked for for so long was so close plus relief that pushing was going to be over. With the next contraction I could feel his head come out and Dr. B suctioned his mouth. He had the cord wrapped around his neck but it was loose so Dr. B was able to just flip it over. One more push and out he came at 4:08 after an hour and a half of pushing. The feeling was unbelievable, the physical relief and amazement was overwhelming. They put him on my belly and I remember seeing his little arms and legs flop down, I couldnt believe it, I think that is something I will never forget. Brian and I were both crying. Aunt Marie was drying him off and rubbing his back to get him to cry. At some point it seemed like it had been too long and I started to worry but then there it was! Again, at this point I started to feel a little weird so I dont have very vivid memories. Dr. B was spending a lot of time working on me but I was too busy looking at the baby who was being warmed up and weighed and cleaned off. My mom and MIL came back to get a peek at him while I was being stitched up. Finally after about a half hour, when he was finished, I got the baby back. I really wanted to try to breastfeed during that first hour. Hayden was so alert and latched right on - he has been a champ ever since. Since we were kind of VIPs, the people that were waiting were able to come back and see us while I was recovering (my parents, sister and aunt, B's parents, brother, SIL and nephew). Around 6 we were getting ready to move to my post-partum room so I had to get up and pee to prove that I could be moved. The baby had been taken to the nursery at this point. As I got up my legs gave out from under me so B and my dad had to hold me and basically carry me to the bathroom. While I was there on the toilet I started to feel sick. We finished getting me off the toilet and into a wheel chair and I got sick a few times. Honestly, I didnt mind and almost kind of expected it as I had said before I have bad reactions to anesthesia. We eventually got over to my post-partum room which was the biggest and had been reserved for me.

I do have to say that I think I had the best labor and delivery ever. I never felt true labor pains, everything happened pretty quickly and even though pushing was hard and tiring I never felt any pain. I was talking and laughing between pushes. After everything else we had been though I felt like there would be problems with the delivery too but I really dont think I could have asked for a better experience. I dont even count the 5 minutes that I didnt feel well when getting the epidural and when I was sick afterwards as negative experiences, they were really nothing in the grand scheme of things. I was pretty out of it for the rest of the night probably as a result of my low bp and losing a lot of blood but felt much better the next day.

I will continue with what has happened since in another post, I have to feed the baby now or my boobs might explode!

Hayden Thomas

2008-11-12T18:48:00.008-05:00

He is here! He was born on Monday, 11/10, at 4:08pm and was 7lbs8oz and 19.5 inches long. I am going to write up my birth story later but here are some pictures (sorry they arent in order). I think he is pretty darn cute!

38w1d

2008-11-09T07:26:00.002-05:00

Well tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives... today is the last day of life as we know it. I cannot believe that I am going to be a mommy tomorrow. I cant imagine what it will be like to see his little face for the first time (and probably his huge cone head since he has been stuck in my pelvis for so long!). Touching him and holding him and smelling him... it is all going to happen. Everything that we have worked for over the last 2 years will finally be here. There was almost no part of this that was easy but I already know it was so worth it. I already know that I would do it all again. I cannot wait to meet our sweet little boy.

Update since my last post: Friday I went to lunch with my mom and then to my NST. It was probably the best one I've had. The first time she came to check on me he had already passed so we were finished a half hour after my appointment time. Sometimes we wait longer than that to be seen so it was nice. That night I went to my moms Grandmom shower which was fun. She was really surprised and got some gag gifts and some really nice things including a pack n play, bumbo, books, bibs, etc. Yesterday, we spent the day cleaning and getting things done around the house. We really worked hard all day so by the time evening came we didnt feel like going to the movies for our date night but we did go to PF Changs for dinner - delicious as always. I am so happy to have a clean house for the baby to come home to and for visitors as well. My house had really suffered while I was on bedrest and I never quite got back on track until yesterday. Today we are going grocery shopping and stocking up the freezer, finishing up a few things around the house and then relaxing for the rest of the day. My mom is having dinner for us tonight and hopefully we will get to bed early since we (I) have to be up at 4 to confirm the induction. Unfortunately, the eagles are playing at 8:15 tonight so we will probably miss some of the game if we are able to sleep - I have a feeling that we wont be getting much sleep though!

Today is going to be the longest day ever!

37w6d

2008-11-07T10:59:00.002-05:00

So after all of that complaining I had a pretty good doctors appointment... I am having a baby on Monday!! I had my regular OB appt this morning with Dr. B. When he came in I asked about how long they wait after your due date to induce, he said a week. So we start the exam and I asked if I will be stuck at 4cm until I am in active labor, he said not necessarily and then said no, definitely not, you are 5 now. So I am considered advanced dilation now since I am not yet in active labor but more than 4cm. He is concerned that I could go into labor or my water could break and I would go really fast and possibly not make it to the hospital. They have been concerned about this for a while but I guess the more and more dilated I am the more serious it becomes. So why not induce me today? This is what my mom asked. I am not 38w yet so there would still be a very, very small chance that his lungs arent fully mature. That, however, is a moot point since I had the steroids. Either way, he would prefer to wait until I am 38w and a few days just to be responsible. So I could go into labor on my own this weekend but if not, I will be having a baby on Monday!

I really did try to think about this and make sure I wasnt making a decision based on physical discomfort that could possibly hurt the baby or me. I think I am making the right decision though, there really arent any additional risks that wouldnt be present if I went into labor on my own and I am actually mitigating a potential risk.

This afternoon I am going out to lunch with my mom and then to my NST. Tonight I am going to a grandma shower for my mom at my aunts house - it is more gag gifts like granny panties. Tomorrow I hope to go to the movies and out to eat with DH for one last date. I guess the rest of the weekend will be spent preparing! How do you prepare?? What do I still need to do? Eek!

37w4d

2008-11-05T14:01:00.002-05:00

Attn everyone: Please stop asking me if I have had the baby yet... I will let you know!!! It's not like I am going to have him and not tell anyone.

Sigh... I am getting constant text messages from people asking if I am in labor or if I've had the baby. First of all, this is annoying when all I can think about is when I am going to have the baby. Second, it costs me money! My cell phone bill last month had $42 worth of text messaging!! I know everyone is curious and just wants to check in but I dont know if I can take a few more weeks of this. Will people just get bored and give up? As much as I am trying to get him to come out I really dont think that he is going to be here much before his due date. I think this would be so much easier if I didnt spend all that time on bedrest wondering when he was going to come. That just added to the end of pregnancy anxiety. Everyone says that the last month is so hard but what if the last month was actually twice as long? Twice as much time to be anxious, twice as much wondering, twice as many questions, twice everything.

I think I am going to plan a date night for me and B. We have a certificate for movie tickets and a gift card to PF Changs that we received for our anniversary. I figure we better take advantage of it soon before we arent able to!

PS Sorry to complain. I really do appreciate people caring and wondering, some days are just harder than others.

My Pumpkin!

2008-11-04T18:53:00.004-05:00

Since he is probably about the size of a pumpkin now I figured these were appropriate! I am the size of a whale... why is it that I look so much bigger in pictures than I do in the mirror??

37w3d

2008-11-04T08:23:00.002-05:00

Today is election day... finally. We can all breathe a huge sigh of relief today. Relief that all of the campaigning and negative ads are done with (living in a battleground state makes watching tv miserable) but also relief that I was finally able to cast my vote and hopefully help my candidate win. I dont want to get political on here so I'm not going to get into issues but I do want to say make sure you get out and vote today. It is so important. It doesnt matter who you vote for (although I would prefer if you voted for the candidate that I support!), your voice needs to be heard. Elections have come down to a few hundred votes, every vote does matter. Dont count on everyone else to do it for you.

So since I voted this morning, the baby is now allowed to come at any time. B and I decided that we need to stop thinking that he is going to come early (even though it isnt early anymore). There is a very good possibility that he will be late, even if I am already 4cm. Nothing is happening except I am getting more and more uncomfortable. My belly just aches. Plus, it seems that my stretch marks double every day. A few more weeks and my belly will be one big stretch mark! :) I love them because they symbolize my growing baby but I think I have enough now, I dont need anymore. I dont know if this baby could be any lower, he is on my lap. I cant even sit with my legs closed because he hangs between them! My little boy is going to have a serious cone head, an adorable one but definitely a big one!

I am off to continue my nesting. Yesterday was a very productive day and I expect today to be the same! Maybe a little later I will post some pictures of Halloween and the nursery since it is almost complete.

37w

2008-11-01T07:44:00.002-04:00

So I'm full term... who would have thought I'd make it this far. Hopefully this means that I will have a perfectly healthy baby which would be a relief after all we've been worried about. Yesterday was an interesting day though. I woke up at 4:30 with strong, painful contractions. They were coming one right after the other and I remember thinking "So this is what they're talking about when they say you'll know when it's real labor." After a half hour I decided to get in the shower to see if that changed the pattern at all. The contractions were still frequent but not quite as strong and long. By about 6:30 they had spaced out to 5 minutes apart and werent really painful so I decided to get a little sleep and just talk to the doctor about it when I went in for my appt at 8:40. She was delivering a baby so I had to wait about an hour to be seen and all during that time I continued to have contractions which were uncomfortable and I felt like I needed to breathe through. She checked me and I was 4cm, 90% and 0 station - I found out that at my last appt I was on 50% effaced so I had made a little tiny bit of progress. She decided to send me to L&D to monitor my contractions and see if it was real labor. I called B and my mom and told them I was going up but didnt think I would be staying, it just didnt feel like the real thing anymore. My mom works close by so she came right over and I told B to wait at work until I was on the monitor for a little while and saw what was going on. By the time I got upstairs and registered he had decided that he was coming home (an hour drive). Literally, as soon as I was put on the monitor my contractions stopped. In the 2 hours I was there I had 2 contractions. We watched the parade for the Phillies and at 12:30 the in-house OB checked me and there was no change so they sent me home. I was so frustrated because I knew that I shouldnt have been there and I had just wasted everyones time. I dont want them to take time off for false alarms and have less time for when the baby gets here. So I've made 2 decisions - 1: I am not going back to L&D until my water breaks and 2: If I do go before then, I am not telling anyone (not even mom or B) until it is decided that I will be admitted. Plus, my mom and B called EVERYONE to tell them that I was going when I told them both that I didnt think I would be staying and then everyone called later to see what had happened. I felt bad enough that it was just the 2 of them, when I found out that everyone knew I felt like an idiot. So there was my third visit to L&D in 6 weeks... ugh!

I think I will go walking this morning to see if that helps at all. The bottom of my belly hurts when I walk but that isnt going to go away until I have this baby so better to push through it, right? The only problem now is that I need to have this baby today or early tomorrow or not until Tuesday after I vote. I told B that if I go into labor on Tuesday I will wait until the polls open and vote before going to the hospital. He says no but this election is really important to me and I would be really upset if I didnt get the chance to vote. I wish I had thought about getting an absentee ballot sooner. Oh well. Please make sure you vote on Tuesday!!

36w5d

2008-10-30T10:49:00.003-04:00

So he wasnt a World Series baby but just to prove to him how close he was we took this picture. I am not a bandwagon jumper, baseball isnt really my thing so we didnt go running around the neighborhood celebrating like everyone else (my neighbors were shooting off fireworks). I am just so excited that the curse has been broken. Philadelphia hasnt won a championship since 1983, I was less than a year old. We were desperate for something, anything! We have the reputation of being a passionate sports town and even after all of the heartache and disappointment we still love our teams.

If you dont know, the curse is related to William Penn. There is a statue of him on top of City Hall, it had always been the highest point in the city and there was an agreement that no building could be built taller than him. 25 years ago, someone built a building taller than William Penn and we havent won a championship since. There have since been a number of buildings built taller than him but he is still the closest to the river and no one is in front of him. Then this year they completed construction on the tallest building in the city, the Comcast building. They put a small statue of William Penn on top of the building. I know, it sounds ridiculous but the year that William Penn became the highest point in the city again is the year that one of our teams wins a championship. Coincidence? Maybe... but it is fun to think that maybe it wasnt.

36w3d

2008-10-28T15:33:00.002-04:00

Last night I decided that B should be rewarded for everything that he has done for me over the last month. Also, who knows when we will have sex again after the baby comes so we decided to give it a try. At 9 months pregnant, that is no easy task. Without going into too much detail, a huge belly definitely gets in the way. So afterwards I was in the bathroom and felt fluid leak out but it didnt feel like urine. I put on a pad and decided to see if there was more before calling the doctor. I had heard that you will continue to leak fluid after your water breaks and that is a good way to tell if it is your water or not. During that time I started to have more intense contractions that were coming every 3 1/2 minutes for about an hour. After an hour I did not have any fluid leaking and my contractions started to space out to 5 minutes apart so I stopped timing them and went to bed soon after. B was really concerned and thinks that I should have called just to get checked so this morning I called the doctor just to see what they said. They wanted me to come in to make sure that it was my water breaking. So when I was finally seen he checked things out said that my water hadn't broken (which is good because B would have been so mad at me if it had and I had just ignored it all night). Then he asked kind of cautiously if I had been dilated at all before and I told him I've been at 2 since 31 weeks and figured that is what he had noticed. He did an internal and said "Well, now you're at 4!" Holy cow! He also said that my bag of waters was bulging and must have said something funny because I laughed. He told me not to laugh or he was going to end up all wet. So he thinks the baby is coming soon but of course I could stay at 4 for a while just like I was at 2 for all that time. He said if I have another episode of contractions like I had last night that I should go in.

So maybe that old wive's tale about sex really is true, or maybe all of that shopping on Saturday had something to do with it. I went to lunch with my dad after my appointment and then to target to get my list of last minute things since the baby is getting ready to come. While I was at target I was having tons of contractions and was pretty uncomfortable so maybe labor is starting. We'll see!!!

35w6d

2008-10-24T11:24:00.002-04:00

So every appointment ended up being not so great.

We left for our appointment with the pediatrician last night and our directions took us to some residential neighborhood without an office building in sight. I called the office multiple times but they already had their answering service one since their office was closed and we were just having a consultation. I left a message but there was nothing else I could do, there was no way for me to get in touch with them to find out how to get to their office. I called my sister and had her look up the directions again but hers took us to the same place. They called me back this morning and said that for some reason their address doesnt show up in mapquest and it sends people to a residential neighborhood in Holland so at least we werent the first idiots to do this. I said I didnt want to waste anymore of the doctors time so we will just ask any questions we have at our first appointment or when we see him in the hospital. We know we are going to go with that group based on my aunts recommendation (she is a pediatric nurse at the hospital that they are associated with).

So this morning we had a non-stress test at 8:30. I brought cookies to make sure that he would have plenty of sugar to stay active. As soon as they put the monitor on he started bouncing all around, so much so that they couldnt get a baseline on his heart rate. He eventually settled down, a little too much, so I ate my cookies and he was active enough to get one heart rate acceleration. And then that was it, he slept the rest of the time. No more accelerations for the rest of the hour. They were talking about doing an ultrasound - biophysical profile - but gave him an additional 15 minutes and during that time he had another acceleration so he passed. I am still concerned that it took him that long but they said it was fine and he looks great so I'll try not to worry.

By this time it was 10:30 and my OB appt was for 9:00. When I got there they took me right back (yay!). I gained 6 lbs but I had lost 2 last week so it kind of evens out. This puts me at 176 - eek!! So she did all the normal stuff - fundal height, heartbeat - and then checked me and I was the same - 2cm and high. That means all of these contractions are doing nothing. Also, she still wants me to take it easy. She said I can go out occasionally and start prenatal yoga again but I shouldnt be doing any extended amounts of walking. And then with a smile she said, "we are probably going to end up inducing you" because apparently that is a really funny prospect. It's funny to everyone except me, I think. Oh well, at least I can start doing things to get ready for this baby, even if he doesnt end up coming for another 4 or 5 weeks. No rush to get the car seats installed I guess!

I'm sleepy so I'm going to take a nap and then try to figure out how I'm going to keep myself busy for another 4-5 weeks.

35w5d

2008-10-23T09:44:00.003-04:00

I am finished with Procardia! It has been 12 hours since my last dose! So far nothing has happened but I dont really expect it to. I'm convinced that he wont be here for a few more weeks. Anyway, now I am medication free! I told B that he really needs to get the car seats installed now since the baby could come at any time. I imagine he will be doing it while we are waiting in front of the hospital to go home. I think I am going to make him do it tomorrow.

Tonight we are meeting our pediatrician and tomorrow I have a NST and then OB appt where they will check for progress. I'll update if anything exciting happens at any of these appointments.

Have I mentioned my stretch marks yet? I didnt have any until just recently and now they are popping up all over the place. Last week I noticed some above my belly button and then a couple days ago noticed them below my belly button. I didnt notice these before because I cant see there anymore!! Today I saw a few on my sides. This is not fun. My mom didnt have any stretch marks and she gained 60 lbs. Doesnt that mean that I shouldnt have them either, especially since I've only gained about 20? By the way, I am still shocked that I havent gained more weight, it is in my genes to get huge when you're pregnant and I certainly havent been doing anything (diet, exercise) to prevent it. I guess that is the benefit of being sick for half of your pregnancy.

I am off to read book 4 of the Twilight series! I've read the other 3 in a day each but this one seems to be the longest so I might not finish it until tomorrow. I forgot how much I love reading!

35w3d

2008-10-21T10:32:00.005-04:00

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Finally I have some shower pics to share!! including my huge belly at 34 weeks...

35w1d

2008-10-19T11:01:00.003-04:00

So everyone complains that the last few weeks of pregnancy are torture because you are always questioning whether labor is starting. I have been like this since 32 weeks and it is getting old. This morning I had an hour of contractions that were 5 minutes apart and then I decided to stop timing them, get a shower (I wanted to smell pretty if I ended up in the hospital) and then relax for a little to see if they continue. I am still not timing them but I think they have slowed down now. I try not to get too worked up when this happens but it is definitely frustrating.

Yesterday we did a lot of work to the baby's room. We cleared out all of the boxes, got stuff put away in the closet and organized, and put together the swing and bouncer seat. Brian also returned all of our duplicates to BRU, they took everything back without a fight even though we didnt have receipts for everything. He used the credit to buy some remaining items off our registry so now there are only about 5 small things left and they arent things that we need right away. Today I am hoping to put together the pack n play (I still dont know where the heck I am going to put it, I dont see how it is going to fit in my living room without putting it in the middle of the floor. Maybe that 60-ish inch tv was a little too big.), the stroller and getting the car seat bases installed. Also, there is a little more baby laundry. A few more small things I'd like to do: I want to repack our hospital bags. As a result of all of our visits I've decided that I want to have multiple small bags instead of one or two big bags so I am going to pack a triage/labor bag, post-partum bag and a bag for B. I also need to pick out a coming home outfit for the baby. I really want to go out and look for something but it seems silly with all of the clothes we already have. There is just nothing that would work well with the knit sweater and hat that I was hoping to use, everything has little appliques of cars or animals or sayings on the front. Arent there baby clothes that are just plain without cartoon appliques?? I am on the search for a plain, light blue cotton footed sleeper - I cant even find one online! I would even do something that had stripes or was a different color, I just want it to be plain without any appliques or animal/car prints. Please let me know if you know where I can find one.

34w6d

2008-10-17T10:20:00.002-04:00

I'm back! No, I didnt have the baby, I was just lazy. My shower was so great! We got just about everything from our registry, I cant believe it. Everyone was so generous and my mom did a great job. I will have to get my mom to send me pictures so I can post them.

Since then, we've washed all of the baby clothes (and there are a lot of them!) and put them away. We also washed the bedding and have that on the crib. I have a pile of returns since I got a lot of duplicates so we will be able to buy the rest of the things that we need. I am hoping to get everything else put together/put away/organized this weekend.

I had my NST this morning. Luckily the baby was in a very playful mood so he passed easily and we were out of there pretty quickly. No real changes, still having contractions although they seem to be worse at night and often wake me up. Once I get up in the morning they slow down. I'm guessing he will be here around Halloween, what is your guess?

33w6d

2008-10-10T17:46:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is a big day! 34 weeks and my shower!

Yesterday I had my OB appt. I lost 2 lbs which is awesome because I gained so much at my last appointment so losing a few pounds means it was probably fluid and not just ice cream. I dont know what my bp was but nothing for the doctor to be concerned about. We saw Dr. T and we both agreed that we really like her. She let B find the heartbeat with the doppler, I didnt realize that he had never done it before even though we have one. He was able to find it though! She said that I will come off bed rest and procardia at 36 weeks. My next appt is scheduled for 35w5d.

Also yesterday, my aunt brought over dinner for us and a huge container of apple crisp - mmmm! Her neighbor, who is a good friend of the family, called her yesterday asking how to get to my house, she had made dinner for us too! How lucky are we? So we had one dinner last night - tilapia stuffed with asparagus and spinach - and the other tonight - chicken, noodles and carrots with biscuits and gravy. Apple crisp both nights!

This morning was my second NST and he almost failed. It took the full hour and a bag of m&ms for him to get his 2 movements with accelerations in. I was getting a little worried, I dont know what happens if he fails. By the time we were finished with that I was exhausted, I am not used to that much activity, so we came home and I relaxed for a little and then went out for my mani/pedi. It was heaven. The woman was really great at massaging my legs and feet. Sometimes you get people who are kind of skimpy with that part but she was fabulous and I needed it! So now I am all ready for my shower tomorrow! I am still not checking my registry so it will be a surprise though I am so tempted. The weather is going to be perfect too!

33w4d

2008-10-08T13:01:00.002-04:00

So Tuesday came and went and there was no trip to the hospital! Contractions are a little more frequent but still dont hurt. Yesterday was a rough day, I think I was just bored and bed rest is finally getting to me. Today I want to try to do more instead of sitting on the computer and watching tv but so far I havent.

Right now I would love me a chai latte and slice of pumpkin loaf from Starbucks. Unfortunately, no driving privileges. I wish they delivered. Anyone want to bring me some?? :) Maybe I will send my sister when she gets home from school, she has nothing better to do I'm sure.

I'll update you after my OB appt tomorrow and NST on Friday. Can't wait til Saturday!

33w2d

2008-10-06T09:58:00.003-04:00

A picture of me doing my favorite thing, eating ice cream! This was taken around 30 weeks but my belly was definitely big enough to be an ice cream rest at that point! Everyone says that I was getting really swollen right before I ended up in the hospital - I noticed too - but it has gone down a lot probably because the procardia is for pregnancy induced hypertension in addition to pre-term labor. So there you have it, my swollen, piggy self!

Another week on the sofa is beginning. The nest isnt working this morning and MSN is being so slow so I've been trying to find other stuff to look at online without stalking my registry. I am really going to try not to look at it for the rest of the week but it is going to be hard. I cant wait for my shower though, it is going to be so much fun! And I will finally feel like we are semi-prepared for this baby to come.

Yesterday my contractions started changing. They had been pretty consistent (every 6-20 minutes) with a tightening feeling sometimes with a little pressure, making me feel like I have to pee - I imagine those are similar to braxton hicks contractions. Yesterday that kind of stopped, I still have tightening but I dont feel it very much. Instead I was having a lot of back pain and then pain down into my thighs. This is similar to how I was feeling in the days before I ended up in the hospital, especially the back pain. So I wonder if I am transitioning from uterine irritability to gearing up for labor. Only time will tell of course but when I went to bed last night I was sure I would wake up in labor. This morning I am not having the back pain but I am still not having the BH-like contractions. My mom said maybe this is the calm before the storm or maybe the procardia is finally working. Who knows? Hopefully I make it until at least Saturday after the shower!!

I dont know if I mentioned this before but B has some knit items that were made for him when he was a baby - 2 sweaters and 4 hats. I went through them yesterday and found that one of the sweaters and hats appears to be newborn size so I am going to have my mom wash them for me and hopefully we can incorporate them into his coming home outfit. I was thinking of just getting a blue sleeper to wear under it. Hopefully we can store them properly and they will become heirlooms. I will try to post pictures.

32w6d

2008-10-03T13:23:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is 33 weeks, I am so thrilled we are here and kind of surprised we made it this far. I had an NST this morning. They were planned before the PTL for my thyroid, I will have them weekly. Baby was sleepy in the beginning but after a few pieces of chocolate he behaved and everything looked good. I had some contractions while I was there too. I havent been paying attention to how often I have contractions because there is no need at this point unless they become more intense, during the NST they were every 6-10 minutes, no cause to get excited yet.

So I am now stuck in the house until Thursday when I have my next doctors appointment unless I decide to take another trip to the hospital. For the last 10 days the only 2 places I have been are home and the hospital. My only planned outings next week are to the doctors (which is in the medical building attached to the hospital) and another NST on Friday (which is in the hospital) So it looks like home and hospital will be the only places I go until my shower next Saturday which is at my moms. Cant a girl go to Target? What about in one of those motorized scooters??

32w4d

2008-10-01T15:49:00.002-04:00

Spent the night in L&D again. I had been having contractions for about 24 hours but they were irregular and not too intense. They did say to call if I was having any contractions but I was pretty sure it was nothing. Anyway, my mom convinced me to call and they told me to go in to be monitored. I got in there and was having some contractions between 7 and 17 minutes apart. The house doc checked me and said I was 2cm and 60%. She also checked to make sure that my water didnt break (negative) and did another ffn (positive). They eventually started me on an IV (Brian was upset that it was a few hours after I got there before they hooked me up again as we knew it would be necessary since there really wasnt anything else they are going to do for me at this point). Unfortunately, as soon as the IV started my contractions were coming 3-5 minutes apart for a while so I wasnt going anywhere. They moved me to a quieter room for the night and increased my procardia to every 4 hours instead of 6. We tried to get some sleep without much success. Brian was sleeping in a horribly small and uncomfortable chair in a freezing cold room with a paper thin blanket. I was lucky enough to be in a decent bed with a pillow and enough blankets but was hooked up to all of the machines so it wasnt easy to sleep.

Aunt Marie came on at 7 and was my nurse for the rest of my time there. Also, Dr. T, the newest doc in my practice, was on so I got to meet her and she followed my progress starting at 7 also. I was still having contractions but not as frequent. Dr. T checked me and I was still 2cm (so I'm going with that from now on, I guess the first doc was a little aggressive). She wanted me to continue on the procardia every 4 hours and see how I do before I could leave. Around 9 I made Brian go home to get some sleep because I was expecting to be there into the afternoon. He was still planning on going to work at some point so he needed the sleep. After my 8am dose things slowed down to just irritability and a few contractions here and there. Finally, by 1 they decided to send me home... finally! I spoke with both Dr. T and Dr. B (he was there for a c-section and stopped in), they both said that I will probably continue to have irregular contractions so no need to call every time anymore (although they both said it was good that I went in last night and they wouldnt have kept me that long if I had called unnecessarily), they've done all they can do for me. Next time I call it should be for regular contractions that are at increased intensity - when I go into labor.

I'm glad to have clear instructions now. I'm glad I dont have to keep spending nights in triage to try to get contractions to stop. Obviously I want him to stay in there and cook a little longer and I will continue bed rest and the meds but if I have to spend one more night in L&D I might go crazy. When they told me to come in last night I almost cried. I wanted them to just say irregular contractions are fine, I knew these were fine. Ugh, oh well. Better to be safe than sorry, we dont know what it could have turned into. So I will continue on bed rest and take the procardia every 4 hours. I have a non-stress test on Friday and an appointment with Dr. T next Thursday. Hopefully I wont see her before then!!

Oh and everyone on L&D knows me now... I am like a celebrity up there!!

32w3d

2008-09-30T18:28:00.002-04:00

Day 2 of being home alone on bed rest. It wasnt too bad actually. I woke up feeling pretty sick to my stomach so I decided to stay in bed for the morning. My friend Cat called from Chile, she is teaching english there for 6 months. We had a nice long chat about all kinds of things. Then my sister brought me lunch and picked up a book for me at Barnes and Noble. Do I really need another book to read? No, but this is highly recommended by moms of preemies so I thought I should pick it up and do a little reading to be prepared. The other books dont seem quite as important right now. My cousin came over and brought a basket of goodies including, lasagna, choc chip cookies, books, magazines, coloring books and puzzle books plus a picture that my godson drew for me! When she left I got on the phone with my friend Shannan and talked about what I need to get done before the baby gets here. She has 2 little girls that are about a year and a half apart so I trust her. Then I turned on the lullaby cd for the baby and started reading my new book. How relaxing!

Besides not feeling well off and on throughout the day it was pretty uneventful. I have had some contractions but nothing consistent. Last night I had about an hour of contractions that were 8 minutes apart but eventually slowed and stopped. I am now comfortable determining what is a contraction and what isnt as long as they are strong enough, and if they arent I probably shouldnt be counting them anyway.

It has been exactly a week since I was sent to L&D (almost to the minute) and I cant believe how much has happened since then. It is amazing how quickly things change.

32w2d

2008-09-29T15:42:00.002-04:00

So who knew when I said that I was in the homestretch in my last post that I actually might have been. A lot has happened over the last week and we continue to wait and see what will happen next.

9/23
I had an OB appointment at 5:40. Brian doesnt usually come but was working from home that day so came with me. I complained of seeing spots for the last few days. That, along with an elevated bp and high weight gain caused Dr. B to send me up to L&D to be monitored and run a PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension) panel. Everything came back fine but surprisingly I was having contractions, I didnt feel them at all. They gave me some water with the hope that it would slow them down. At 8:30 I was checked and was 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. We werent very concerned at the time. The contractions grew stronger (still not feeling them) and around 11 I was checked again and was 3cm and 70% effaced. All of a sudden things became serious. My moms best friend is a nurse there so I asked if she was working, luckily she was and was my nurse for the night. We called our parents to tell them what was going on and were rushed back to get me started on an IV of magnesium sulfate to stop the contractions. At 12 I received the first of 2 steroid shots to help develop the baby's lungs. They attempted to insert a catheter twice without success which was not pleasant, I eventually asked them to give up and used a bedpan for the rest of my stay. My parents had arrived by that time and we kind of watched and waited and then tried to get some sleep.

9/24
Overnight the contractions were getting closer together so they decided to increase the Mag which eventually worked and the contractions slowed down. I had a comfortable rest of the night but only slept about 40 minutes. My new nurse, Donna, came on in the morning. Everything remained relatively the same and stable all day and afternoon. We were able to talk to the NICU and antenatal docs and they told us what to expect. I also had my second steroid shot and our short-term goal was to keep baby in for an additional 24 hours so it had time to fully work. We had an ultrasound and determined that baby is head down, weighed 4lbs 3oz and definitely still a boy. We also found out that he has a big head just like his dad! They were planning on stopping the mag the next day so B went to work to get some stuff done since we didnt know what the next day would bring.

9/25
We were finally able to get some sleep! They stopped the Mag at 8:15am but within a half hour contractions and uterine irritability picked up. At 9:30 I was started on Procardia orally and everything slowed down. There are barely any contractions and just some irritability. I will continue this every 6 hours. Dr. G came in to discuss what's happening and said that since the steroids have taken effect now, it will be ok if he comes early. At 2:30 Dr. B came in to check on me. I asked if he was surprised to see me here and he said he certainly wasnt expecting to see me for this reason. He said now that I had the steroid shots, if I started in hard labor they wouldnt stop it. He also said that the baby would receive the benefits of this shot for the remainder of the pregnancy, until his lungs are mature. He told me it is possible for me to last til my due date or I could go home and deliver the next day, there is no way to know. He planned to come back the next day and we'll decide whether to send me home as long as the procardia keeps working.

9/26
Aunt Marie was my nurse again last night. Nothing exciting happened. B went to work today to get some things done. Of course, Dr. B came in only a few hours later with great news - I'm being discharged! He did an FFN and checked me to make sure that I wasnt dilated anymore. I was finally able to get up and use the bathroom after about 60 hours in bed. Since I am being released on bed rest, my awesome nurse Carrie is having the lactation consultant talk to me because I would otherwise miss my breastfeeding class. Now I'm just waiting for someone to pick me up!

9/29
Since I've been home nothing exciting has happened. I've been trying to stay on the sofa as much as possible but it is hard. Last night I had a lot of back pain/cramping that lasted through this morning. I didnt call the doctor because I wasnt sure if it meant anything. I finally heard back from the OBs office and my FFN was positive which means there is a good chance that I will deliver in the next 2 weeks. The FFN is a more effective test when you get a negative result so we still dont really know what is going to happen. There isnt really anything to change as a result of this so we just wait.

30w5d

2008-09-18T15:37:00.002-04:00

Wow, 30 weeks! We are in the home stretch now!

First of all, I passed my glucose tolerance test so no gestational diabetes for me! That means I can keep eating my ice cream. The receptionist messed up my next appointment so it isnt until Tuesday. I should be getting instructions for my non-stress tests. I am curious about whether I schedule them all at once or one week at a time.

Last night was our first childbirth class. I feel kind of silly being there for 2 reasons: 1-I feel like I dont belong, I cant possibly be pregnant enough to warrant these classes, can I? And yet most of the people are due a month after me! 2- Most of the people seem to have no idea what to expect so I am concerned that it's going to be really basic and I'm not going to get anything out of the classes. No big deal, it is a right of passage but I was hoping to learn some stuff. I also felt a little out of place because everyone was so young and unmarried. I am young at only 25 so these people must have been late teens/early 20's. I couldnt help but think that almost all of the pregnancies in that room were unplanned. Mom took a test after missing her period and maybe she cried or maybe she was scared to tell her boyfriend and family. You could tell this when we were going around the room and introducing ourselves. We were supposed to say something good and bad about your pregnancy. The first girl said "bad is back pain, not sleeping..." and went on and on. And the instructor said, "and good?" and her response was "I dont know, nothing really." Stab right to my heart. How could you not think that this pregnancy is amazing? Even after the horrible first few months I am still amazed at how he is growing and moving, it is really a miracle. We'll see how next week goes. I think we are seeing the birth video which was described as not as graphic as what you see on the baby shows. So what is it that we're seeing exactly?

My shower invites went out this week! Yay! And I am a registry stalker so I know that someone bought something this week already! I cant wait!

I am getting swollen in my feet and fingers. I guess this is causing my joints to ache. It is mostly my fingers but also my knees have been achy. I have always had knee issues so I am not surprised. My feet just feel stretched. Of course this week, when the weather is 70 and beautiful, I am stuck in a hot office with a window that doesnt open. I am so thankful that it is fall though. The cool air is so refreshing when I step outside in the morning. I might have to go for a walk tonight.

We are off to the shore this weekend for Irish weekend. We should probably stay home and work on the nursery but this might be the last weekend that we can get away. No bikini - it will be too cold!

28w4d

2008-09-03T15:26:00.003-04:00

So I'm glad that I didnt attempt the bikini! At my doctors appointment the following week I found out that I gained 9lbs!! Oops! Nothing else exciting happened at that appointment except that I am now going every 2 weeks so I already had an appointment again yesterday. This one was a little more interesting. I had to do the glucose tolerance test so at my last appt they gave me the drink to take home so I could drink it before I came. I got there with a half hour left before I needed my blood drawn. After waiting about 10 minutes they called me back to do weight (only 2lbs!), bp and urine. By the time she was done I still had 15 minutes so she put me in a room to see the doctor. This made me nervous naturally because what are the chances of the doctor coming in and being done within 15 minutes, right? It just doesnt happen. But I figured I would let them worry about that. So Dr. B comes in and we do the normal routine. I had a couple questions for him (I will discuss one below) and we are just finishing up when the nurse comes rushing in saying that there is a 9 minute window and we are at 9 minutes exactly and we have to take my blood right that second or we will miss it. So Dr. B leaves and she starts to draw blood. I have this done all the time, I did it every other day for months when seeing Dr. F, I just had blood drawn on friday for my thyroid panel, I am so used to it so it was odd when I started seeing stars. Once she stopped it went away and I was fine so who knows what it was. Then she realized that in her haste she forgot a cotton swab to put under the bandaid. "No big deal," I say, "I'm not a bleeder." Famous last words. So we leave the room and I go to the desk to make my next appointment. I happen to look down at my arm and it is covered in blood! Luckily the nurses station is right behind the desk so she was able to clean it up and properly bandage it so there were no more problems. As far as OB appts go, this one was more interesting than the rest!

Saturday night through Monday morning I had a bad pain in my side. It would flare up and be pretty bad but other times not too bad. It was bad enough to wake me up during the night both nights but then Monday morning after sitting on the sofa for a little while it seemed to just go away. Since I wasnt bleeding, vomiting or contracting, I didnt call the doctor. I did mention it to him at my appointment though. He felt around and hit the spot ::ouch! no wonder i was seeing stars:: and then felt the baby ::ouch again! he practically lifted my uterus out of my belly::. He determined that the baby is transverse and the pain is most likely severe round ligament pain due to the babys size and position. If he were a good boy he would be head down and then my uterus would be stretching up and down instead of side to side. At this point, being transverse isn't a huge deal, just something to watch. I am going to try some techniques suggested to me to get him to turn (spinningbabies.com). If he doesnt turn by 32-34 weeks I will probably go to a chiropractor and/or acupuncture to see if either of those can help. If he still doesnt turn I am against an external version so I would be having a c-section. A lot can happen between now and then though. Since he is still small enough to move around in there I will do my best to get him to turn sooner rather than later. Come on banana! Be a good boy for mommy! I also heard that putting a frozen bag of veggies by his head should encourage him to turn but I'm not sure which side his head is on. I will ask at my next appointment if I havent had success yet.

In other baby news, his room is painted! Well the walls are painted, daddy just needs to do the trim and ceiling. We are doing a million little odds and ends projects around the house and since we still have plenty of time before the baby comes, we arent really in a rush to finish his room. I would like it finished and the furniture in by my shower (oct 11) so we have somewhere to put everything. I also repainted the rocking chair that B's mom gave to us. She had used it when he was a baby. I am having a wonderful nestie make new cushions for it. I finally bought fabric and sent everything off to her yesterday. I can't wait to see how fabulous it is when it's done!

A mom on the nest just had her twins yesterday. She was less than a week further ahead than me. It is amazing to see those babies and to think that's what my little man looks like. He is that big! He is becoming more and more real every day and I can't wait until he gets here!

26w2d

2008-08-18T13:06:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to include my newest belly pic. Yup, I'm huge.

25w6d

2008-08-15T14:36:00.003-04:00

99 days to go until my due date!!!

I really didnt think I'd ever get here, it seemed so far away. Now we have just a little over 3 months left! I will start the third trimester next week, that's right, the third! Banana has gotten much bigger and is squishing everything else that's supposed to be in my abdominal cavity. I get out of breath easily and heartburn/indigestion are starting but I cant even be upset about it because it just means that he is growing. I love feeling him move, I watch my belly constantly when I am on the sofa at night. I am also nesting. I have been cooking and cleaning and have become rather domestic in the last few weeks.

I'm sorry to say that there isnt much exciting news to report. He just keeps growing (he is about the size of an eggplant now) and my belly keeps growing and that's about it. My belly button is kind of flat and kind of sticking out now, I give it a few more weeks until it is out completely. That's the most exciting news I have... sorry!

We are going to the shore this weekend and I am considering a bikini. When will I ever be able to wear a bikini while pregnant again? I havent gained any weight except for in my belly and boobs and actually I have lost weight in other places, I dont have any stretch marks yet and my boobs arent saggy from breastfeeding like they would be in subsequent pregnancies. This is probably the best I will ever look while pregnant. I doubt I'll have enough guts to do it but it would be fun!

Have a great weekend!!

23w5d

2008-07-31T12:45:00.003-04:00

Hi! Not too much to update but I wanted to share a belly picture from my vacation a few weeks ago so you can see how I've grown!!

We went to register on Tuesday night, it was quite an experience. I thought I knew what I wanted and was pretty knowledgeable on all things baby but I was wrong. After a day of editing, I am pretty happy with my registry now. Yay! I am also going to try to set up a universal registry where I can link to different stores online for items that arent available at babiesrus. I only have like 7 items but I would really like to put them on a registry somewhere as some are kind of big. Any suggestions for a website to use? I have heard that Amazon does it but wanted to see if there was something else where I could link to whatever I wanted.

We are still on a hunt for a glider. We are having a comfort/cost issue. I am choosing based on comfort, B is choosing based on cost. Not really sure how that is going to end up. To be continued I guess.

No appointments or anything recently but yesterday I signed up for our classes at the hospital! We are taking Prepared Childbirth, Breastfeeding and Infant CPR. I really want to do the CPR class, I think it is important. B thinks that someone in our family of nurses can just show us how to do it but I dont think it is the same effect. So I am taking it and he is not. Those classes are in September and October. Couple that the weekly NSTs, bi-weekly and then weekly OB visits and I will be at that hospital pretty often from Sept - Nov. I wonder if they have a frequent parking program :)

22w5d

2008-07-24T17:48:00.002-04:00

Wow! Where have I been? Last week I was on vacation. We went up to the Boston area for the week and it was a lot of fun. I was worried I would be uncomfortable with all of the walking but it wasnt too bad, it was a little hot though. So what's happened since my last post? He is still a boy, that was confirmed 2 weeks ago during my follow up ultrasound. Everything checked out ok during the ultrasound so I dont need to have anymore at this point. He was 15 ounces at 21 weeks! Big baby! I also found out that because of my thyroid issues I am going to be having non-stress tests weekly starting at 32 weeks. I dont really know why, it was surprised to hear it at my appointment this week so I will ask more questions at my next appointment. By that point I wont be working much longer so it wont be too bad. Between those appointments and my OB appointments I am going to live at the hospital/medical center for the last 8 weeks. It will be like all of the RE appointments all over again.

I still havent registered and I still havent picked out a stroller. I am planning on ordering the furniture tomorrow and will hopefully decide on bedding soon!

My belly is getting big and he is moving a lot, I love it!

That's about it I think.

19w6d

2008-07-04T18:23:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe it, I will be 20 weeks tomorrow. I never thought I would reach this point. I remember when I first moved to SAIF and saw people at 20 weeks I thought it would be forever until I got there. I am so grateful to be here, so incredibly grateful, and my little man always reminds me of how lucky I am. Actually, he is giving me little kicks while I am typing this, it is just amazing and unbelievable. So along with all of this amazement comes confusion because now I am have navigate baby world. Parenting? That will be easy but try choosing a stroller! We went to babies r us yesterday and before we went I was pretty sure about what I wanted, when we left I was so confused. I think we have it narrowed down to the peg perego pliko p3 and the chicco courtina. If I could find a stroller that had the best of both I would get it in a second but here are my pro's and con's... you tell me what you think.

Peg Perego Pliko P3
- Super comfy and sturdy seat
- Big sun shade (could practically cover the whole stroller)
- Umbrella stroller - folds up pretty compactly
- Not a one hand fold - kind of complicated actually and opening is the same way
- Can attach car seat
- Decent size basket
- Kind of hard to get to basket because of folding mechanism
- Snack bar but does not lift up
- Seat fully reclines
- Adjustable handles
- 2 handles instead of a bar - can't push with one hand
- one crappy cup holder

Chicco Courtina
- Seat/fabric not quite as comfy
- Very small sun shade - would need to buy something else
- Bigger when folded
- Easy one hand fold and open
- Can attach car seat
- Decent size basket
- Easy to get to basket
- Snack bar that can be lifted to easily get bigger baby in and out
- Seat fully reclines
- Adjustable handle
- One handle bar - can push with 1 hand
- Decent cup holder and other compartment for keys, etc.

These are the things that we took note of. Is there anything that I missed that is important? Which items are most important? Which would you choose? Ignore price... Oh and both have car seats that fit up to 30 lbs.

18w3d

2008-06-24T08:56:00.003-04:00

It's a boy!!!! We are going to have a son! I can't believe it, it is so surreal to know that we are going to have a little boy in our house. Everything went well at the ultrasound. He is measuring right on track and weighs 9 ounces. They werent able to get some of the measurements because the baby wouldnt cooperate (I dont think the tech tried hard enough) so we go back in 4 weeks but everything that was measured was normal. He is cute as a button! If I could figure out how to scan these u/s pictures I would post them but I dont have one of those scanners, I will try to take pictures of them and post those.

Now we have to decide on a name...

16w6d

2008-06-13T18:47:00.003-04:00

Big news!! I just felt the baby move!!! I have been waiting for this for weeks, I cant believe it actually happened!

Ok back to our regularly scheduled programming... where have I been? I was on vacation for a week and I have been at clients without internet access so I havent had time to update. Add onto that the days we were without power this week (yes days...) and it has been a while.

Pregnancy news - I have been feeling better. I got sick a few times last week but nothing this week so I am hoping that I'm finished with that finally. I dont feel like I'm getting bigger but I definitely am as you can see in the picture (taken around 15w4d). I still havent really gained any weight which is amazing to me. How can I be this big without gaining weight? People are starting to notice that I'm pregnant. No strangers yet but neighbors and clients have asked. Also, we are starting to look at cribs and bedding. I think I have it narrowed down to 2 of each and I just need to make a choice now. I will share both once we decide. I cant believe I am picking out a crib!! I think that's it, there isnt really much to update. I will (hopefully) have big news in a week and a half - stay tuned!

13w5d

2008-05-22T09:58:00.006-04:00

And now, the announcement you have all been waiting for... the kitchen is DONE! Finally!

I did some rearranging of things on the counter and I need to get new dishtowels, curtains, a rug, etc. but I love it! Worth 7 weeks of aggravation? I guess so.

In baby news... I cant believe I am here. I am in the second trimester. It is really amazing and constantly surprises me. Funny that I thought I would want to yell it out to everyone but now that I am here I still feel like it is a secret and I need to be careful. I had an OB appointment last night and everything looks good. Dr. B must be concerned with my weight because he was asking about how sick I am and whether I am eating any solids. I certainly am but I wasnt for a while. My net loss at this point is 7 lbs, I am up 2 lbs from my lowest weight. I am not gaining weight as quickly as I thought I would but I am ok with that! Also, the first portion of my sequential screening (basically an NT scan) came back negative which means I just need bloodwork to confirm when I go for my big u/s. Yay! The interesting thing is that I had said as long as I see a heartbeat, I will be fine and I really have been, I havent been anxious about these results at all because I know that there is a little baby in there squirming away. How lucky am I? I am can really feel my uterus now but I am surprised that I cant feel the baby with as big as it is. I know most people dont feel it for a few more weeks but you would think if you had something as big as a lemon moving around in your belly you would feel it, right? Hopefully soon.

12w6d

2008-05-16T10:54:00.004-04:00

The NT scan was fabulous! I really enjoyed watching the baby squirm around in there. B wasnt able to be there since he was out of town but my mom came with me and she loved it. I dont know when I will hear the results, maybe at my doctors appointment next week. Here are 2 pictures of pictures. I know they are horrible quality but I dont have a scanner at home.

The first one is an arm and hand which is kind of hard to see here. The second is a full body shot.

12w3d

2008-05-13T11:54:00.002-04:00

Rapidly approaching the second trimester now and I can't believe it! Tomorrow is my NT scan and while I am a little nervous, I feel so much better since I know that there is a heartbeat (I will check again tonight just for extra comfort!). Anything that results from this test I will be able to deal with as long as there is a heartbeat. I have no idea where my script for this test is so I will have to search for that tonight. My house is a mess from the renovation so it could be anywhere... oops! I am still getting sick every day but I feel better overall now that I am off of the meds. I thought I would never be normal again! At this point, I am feeling really lucky and trying to enjoy it. I still havent taken a belly pic but I plan to do that soon, actually I have planned to do that for a while and it just never happens. I will get around to it so you can see how big my belly is already.

Nothing else is really happening. The kitchen still isnt done, who knows when he is coming back to finish. Hopefully when I get home today I will be surprised. We did put just about everything back in there so we are functioning as normally as possible right now. It is so nice to be almost back to normal and have a dishwasher and sink and a real dishes.

Anyone know anything about cloth diapers? I really want to do this but it is so overwhelming and I just dont know where to start. How will I know what works best until I try it, right? I need to find a class or something.

11w4d

2008-05-07T16:36:00.001-04:00

Not much has happened in the last week or so. We are still waiting for the kitchen to be finished. The counters were installed but it turns out the contractor didnt order the tile for the back splash until today. Why not? I have no freaking clue! He has had what we wanted for weeks now, we rushed out to pick it out so we could get it to him. Just another example of what a great contractor he is. Since everything else is finished, we are going to start moving our stuff back in because it has been in our living room and dining room for way too long.

Baby stuff - I rented a doppler and it came on Monday. I got to hear the tiny little heart beat and it was fabulous! I am so glad that we've passed that milestone. I am going to be 12 weeks on Saturday which is huge, I cant believe we made it! Now if I could just stop throwing up. Hopefully that will end soon, I stopped my meds hoping that will help but who knows. I need to start gaining weight soon though! This losing weight has got to stop.

PS My friend had her baby girl today! Welcome to the world Peyten! I also found out another friend had her baby boy recently. Lots of babies!

10w2d

2008-04-28T12:19:00.002-04:00

So much has happened in the last 2 weeks. I had another spotting episode. I called my OB since I had graduated from the RE and they said to call the RE since they dont have ultrasound equipment (something I dont like about that office). So I went into the REs office and saw the little gummy bear with a nice healthy heartbeat. It was swimming around, I couldnt believe it! We could even see fingers, amazing. So we are pretty confident that the baby is healthy and happy in there.

We decided to share the news with my moms family last week (those that didnt already know which it turned out to be only 2 people!) and my dads family this week at a communion party. Everybody was so excited, it was a lot of fun.

Oh and in other pregnancy related news, I am wearing maternity pants for the first time today. I am sick of my bella band, it sucks. It is a knockoff from motherhood which is probably why it is horrible but I just cant stand it anymore. It keeps rolling up and exposing my unbuttoned pants. So my cousins wife gave me a bag of clothes this weekend but no work pants so I went out and got 2 pairs yesterday. They are so much more comfortable and I can let my belly hang out all I want. My mom was with me when I was shopping and she was shocked at how big my belly is. It is definitely bigger than average but I have lost 7 lbs and not gained any of it back so it's not because I am eating too much. Must just be bloat. Plus, I never claimed to have a flat stomach before all of this started so that is definitely contributing too.

In kitchen news - yes we are still working on the kitchen - the counters should be here on the 1st and everything should be finished the next day. I am thrilled! I can't wait to get my house back. It took much longer than we originally thought because of the counters but I really wanted them so it's worth it.

Also, we booked a vacation to Sanibel Island, Florida for June! Hooray! It will be our babymoon. I can't wait to get away for a little while. Hopefully I am not sick anymore!

8w1d

2008-04-13T18:04:00.002-04:00

So a few things to report. I spent Wednesday night at the ER because I hadnt been able to keep anything down for a while. I was worried about the baby so I just got filled up with some fluids. The offered to admit me but I wasnt really interested in staying so we came home a few hours later. If it happens again, one my aunts will just give me the IV at home, they already brought home the supplies, it will be a much nicer experience. Not that the ER was that terrible but it was uncomfortable and not home.

In other news, I had another appointment on Friday and I GRADUATED! It was so unexpected but I am really excited. Sad to be leaving the amazing doctors and office but glad to be moving on in the pregnancy. My mom went with me and got to see the baby and heartbeat, it was very exciting. The baby looks like a gummy bear now and has a nice quick heart beat of 160. It was really amazing. I am kind of sad that I wont be having an ultrasound for a while, I will ask for the NT scan so I can have another one in a few weeks. I have my first OB appointment in a week and a half.

Kitchen update: They started the kitchen Thursday and completed the demo and even put up some of the wall cabinets. Tomorrow they should do the floor and then I imagine it wont be too long after that. We still need to get the dishwasher, microwave, tile, sink and faucet. Ok that's a lot, we need to get moving. It will be our fault when this takes forever to finish.

7w4d

2008-04-09T18:26:00.004-04:00

Not much to report. I am still sick. They gave me a new prescription but it hasnt been helping much. I can really only eat popsicles and water ice. I cant even eat soup anymore. I am so freaking hungry and I am starting to feel sick from being so hungry in addition to the all the time sickness, it is super fun. 5 more weeks? I was home yesterday and today which made it a little easier to deal with but tomorrow I am back to work. There are deadlines and deadlines dont care if I am sick. Not much is changing with my body. I am actually down 7 lbs. but I feel like maybe my uterus is getting bigger. It is very possible that I am imagining it though. Also, I have pretty much constant lower back pain. I need to start doing some yoga to gain some strength down there and stretch it out.

In other news, they are starting on our kitchen tomorrow and we havent even started to get ready. We are awesome planners. I didnt want to clean everything out if we didnt know when they were going to start so I have been putting it off. Of course, I cant help because 1 - I'm sick and 2 - after the spotting, Dr. F told me to take it easy and I think climbing up on cabinets would not be taking it easy, so Brian has to do it all himself tonight. Awesome fun. I hope we have enough boxes!

Finally, I just wanted to mention that yesterday I was 7w3d and that is when I found out about the missed miscarriage with the last pregnancy. Since I have seen the heartbeat twice and everything looks good (and I am so sick) I am actually feeling like I passed a huge milestone and everything is going to be fine from here on out. I am really pregnant and we are really going to have a baby in November!

6w5d

2008-04-03T10:00:00.002-04:00

Phew! Everything is fine! There is a whole long story but I dont have time to write about it right now. The good news is that we saw the heartbeat and the baby is measuring a day ahead. Dr. F couldnt find a source of bleeding so he said just to take it easy, it could just be old blood. I am still very nervous but hearing the baby's heartbeat this morning was amazing! We have a 9mm little baby in there! I can't believe it. First scare down, many more to go I'm sure. This is not going to be an easy pregnancy but it will be worth it!

6w4d

2008-04-02T18:43:00.003-04:00

In this post I was going to complain about how sick I've been and how exausted I am but I am spotting and that seems like silliness now. I know I shouldnt complain and I should be grateful but do I really need to go through this to learn that lesson. This cant be happening again, it has to be nothing. Dr. F is having me come in tomorrow instead of Friday. He said everything has been going really well and that it is probably nothing, I think it's over though. I dont know what I will do if this is the end. I cant imagine starting over. Will I have to wait another year before we get a chance again?

5w6d

2008-03-28T10:25:00.001-04:00

I cant believe it, we saw the heartbeat today. It was amazing. I really didnt think we were going to see it. At first I didnt see anything and for a second I thought, this is it, it's over. But then he moved the wand over a little and there it was! The fetal pole was measuring perfectly too. Dr. F said next week we should be able to hear it, it was too early this time since it had most likely just started beating. I cant believe it is there and this is actually happening! The u/s picture isnt great so I wont scan it in, something is off with the contrast but I will never forget what that little pulsing bulge looked like! I am in heaven! And to make the day even better, I got a prescription for Zofran to help with the nausea! Woo hoo!

5w4d

2008-03-26T14:14:00.002-04:00

Ok, this is getting out of control. 4 times by lunch is too many. I cant even stay in a freaking meeting without having to run out to the bathroom. I love this baby and if this was a guarantee that everything was fine, I think I would be able to handle it a little better but it's not. I can be this sick and still not end up with a baby and I think that is what is making this hard. I am not going to go through all of this for nothing. I still think the sea-bands are helping, I think it would be a lot worse without them. I am not as dizzy as I had been, just nauseated. I need Friday to get here quick!

5w3d

2008-03-25T13:43:00.003-04:00

So our cute little poppy is not making this easy for me. I have gone from occasional nausea to constant with dry heaving. I had to go out and get seabands today to help and they did for a while but I took them off because they were uncomfortable and the nausea came back. Luckily, I am home waiting for our new cabinets to be delivered (they were supposed to be here at noon, I am getting concerned that they arent coming) so I can just lounge in comfy clothes but I am trying to get work done and it isnt going very well. I honestly dont know how I am going to work for the next 7 weeks (as I pray that this only lasts for the 1st trimester). As much as I am complaining, I didnt experience this last time so I am taking it as a good sign, hopefully increasing nausea means increasing hcg. I think I'm going to try to finish up a few work things and then take a little nap.

Our little Poppy!

2008-03-21T12:32:00.002-04:00

4w6d

2008-03-21T11:35:00.002-04:00

So we had the much anticipated ultrasound this morning and I thought I was going to puke all morning, I was so stressed and nervous. There is one little sac in there and it is in the right place which is what I have been praying for. I was thrilled for about a half a second and then the worry came back. Another week until we try to see a heartbeat. He gave us a picture and it is on the fridge now. B said he is happy to see a picture of our baby on the fridge instead of everyone else's. I am happy that he is happy. 4 weeks down, 36 to go.

4w5d

2008-03-20T17:12:00.002-04:00

Ultrasound tomorrow morning! I am so nervous!! I really hope that everything is ok but I have a hard time imagining that it will be. We're 0 for 1 at these kinds of ultrasounds. My beta doubled and that is a great sign plus it is super high, no late bloomer here. I cant believe tomorrow is Friday already, I never thought it was going to get here.

4w4d

2008-03-19T09:49:00.002-04:00

Update: I recovered from my panic-induced state and am feeling very optimistic again. There have been a few things that led to this new found calm. First, my boobs keep growing, they are ginormous now and they hurt!! Second, I am sick. No puking yet but I dont feel right at all and am constantly eating to try to quell it. Third, I have no reason to think that there is anything wrong. My ultrasound is only 2 days away, I can make it. What I may not be able to do is take my prenatal vitamins anymore. I gag and one of these times they might not stay down. Darn floating fishy vitamins. Eww, just thinking about them makes me want to gag. Also, I made a mental note last night that eating past full is not a good idea, I almost lost that too and then I was sick for the rest of the night so I slept. I have found that I am incredibly thirsty recently, especially in the morning. I usually eat dry cereal on the way to work and over the past couple of days I could have killed for something to drink. At least that keeps me drinking water which I was not good at before. I am so excited about this pregnancy, I cant wait to see those little poppy seeds on the ultrasound screen. Ooo, I keep making reference to there being more than one, I wonder why. There is most likely only one on there. I just want to see one little poppy seed in the perfect spot.

4w2d

2008-03-17T13:04:00.003-04:00

So today I am scared. I have worked myself into a frenzy and am convinced that this is an ectopic pregnancy because I have read that high beta levels can indicate that. How high is high? I dont know so I asked TTTC and SAIF. Women who have experienced ectopics have reassured me that my doubling betas indicate that everything is fine, even if they are on the higher side of normal. So maybe I can calm down for about an hour. I was also worried because my boobs dont hurt as much as they did but that was cancelled out by the nausea that I felt when it had been 2 hours since eating last - note to self: have lots of snacks at the ready. I bought some jolly ranchers to try to deal with the nausea for the rest of the day so we'll see how they work. I heard that lemon is supposed to help but they dont make bags of just lemon jolly ranchers so hopefully all flavors will do the trick. Crap, I just looked at the bag and there arent any lemon at all! I am going to have to do some serious candy shopping, any suggestions on where to find the best variety? Maybe I will try the bulk candy place at the mall.

I am out at a new client today and there is a girl that works here and is probably 7-8 months pregnant - she is big but not quite bursting yet. It still stung a little bit to see her. Maybe because I'm not sure how this pregnancy is going to go yet. Maybe because I feel like I havent succeeded yet. I'm not really sure but I hope I get over that soon. I cant wait for the day when I can compare pregnancies with someone.

Until then... T-4 days until the ultrasound.

PS We (I) have decided to get a doppler once the heartbeat can be heard. I know people dont like it because it can cause panic but I panic every day anyway so it can't hurt, right?

4w1d

2008-03-16T12:11:00.002-04:00

Beta #2 is back and it is 654! Doubling time was almost exactly 48 hours. Of course, I wish it had doubled quicker but I am trying to remain positive. I go back on Friday for more blood work (including TSH) and an ultrasound. It will be too early to see a heartbeat so I think this is just to check for placement and to make sure there is only one in there. I still dont quite believe it. I am trying to talk about it to make it more real but I really cant believe that it is real. I keep wanting to ask, are you sure you are looking at my chart? Are you sure you wrote the right name on the label? Maybe I will believe it when we see a heartbeat. I keep remembering the day we found out last time and how horrible it was. That could happen at any day now, I guess I am just waiting for it or preparing for it. Anyway, I am thrilled that my betas went up like they were supposed to, I will take the rest one day at a time.

3w6d

2008-03-14T14:09:00.001-04:00

That's right, it has been confirmed. I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HcG was 322 and Progesterone was >20 (they dont tell you a number after that). I go back Sunday for repeat blood work. I am in shock.

IUI #2 - 12dpiui

2008-03-13T17:37:00.003-04:00

I am not changing the titles of my posts yet because I want this confirmed first. I took a digital last night that said Pregnant and an EPT this morning that was positive but when I got home this evening the line was a lot lighter. Does that mean anything? It is a different brand than the kind I took yesterday because CVS didnt have anymore of the FRER so I cant compare the 2 days. I am getting worried. I was so happy and confident today and this has ruined it. I am anxious for the beta tomorrow and more anxious for the follow up to make sure that it doubles. I just want to see it double. I am so scared. Of course I am now watching Birth Day on Discovery Health and I am crying. This is making me even more scared. What if this isnt real? What if it was the trigger? What if it doesnt last? Is it possible go through the loss and heartbreak of a miscarriage followed by a year of frustration and infertility only to miscarry again? Will I survive it? I'm scared...

IUI #2 - 11dpiui

2008-03-12T09:16:00.003-04:00

Umm... sooo... I think I got a BFP. I mean I know the test was positive, it was obviously positive, took all of 15 seconds for those 2 pink lines to show up. I am just worried that it is leftover trigger. It is 13 days since I took the trigger, it should definitely be out by now but there is always that small chance since I didnt test it out. I called Dr. F's office to see if I can come in before Monday for a beta. I need this confirmed or I might go crazy.

I will write more later, I am at work.

IUI #2 - 10dpiui

2008-03-11T11:47:00.002-04:00

Hmm... how am I feeling? Conflicted I think is a good answer. I was so confident and now I am feeling a little more unsure. It is almost like I am confident that it worked and confident that it didnt all at the same time. I dont think I will be surprised by either outcome. I am not feeling that urge to test that usually comes around this time. Can I hold out until Saturday? I am going to try. I think I will at least wait until Friday.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was full-term and I could make out the outline of a foot poking out so I was touching it. All of a sudden, it just kind of popped through, not gross, it was just in my hand. Then the rest of the baby came out. We drove to the hospital and I told them that the cord was still attached. I later wondered why we didnt call an ambulance. It was a girl and we named her Amelia, which is our top girl name. I was very concerned about getting the birth announcements out right away, I even saw what they looked like. I could feel the foot in my hand, it was so real. I looked in the mirror and saw my big baby belly (not unsimilar to my current not-baby-but-fat belly). Does this mean something? Probably not but it was interesting, I dont remember having many dreams like that. Here's hoping it was a look into what's to come (although maybe the birth could go a little differently).

Let's score the 2ww to see what my chances are. My temp was high but then went down yesterday. It went back up today but not as high as it had been (-1). I dont feel any different, not more gassy, extra sensitive boobs, nauseous, nothing (-1). My boobs did get pretty big (+1)but it seemed like last cycle they never really shrunk back down so maybe it is just because of that (-1, net to 0). The due date would be perfect to keep with family tradition (+1). This was the best cycle I've had so far, big mature follie plus the possibility for a second, thick lining, good numbers for the IUI (+1). So when I add that all up I get.... 0. No indication either way. Awesome. I guess I just have to wait 4 more days to find out.

In kitchen news, I am still frustrated with the tile search. I dont know where to go to find glass tile. UGH! I am starting to feel pressure to make a decision because if I have to order it and it takes a week or more to come in then I need to order soon. We are also going to have to start packing up the kitchen and dining room leaving only necessities behind. It is going to be a few weeks of eating out and microwave meals I guess!

IUI #2 - 8 dpiui

2008-03-09T09:09:00.002-04:00

So have I told you that I'm pregnant? I am so convinced that I am pregnant this cycle, it is almost scary. I dont know why, I just have this calm, confident feeling. I had some cramping in my uterus a few days ago (I know that it was my uterus because of the wonderful cramps I experienced during the IUI). My temp has been consistently high, higher than normal for sure. And the most convincing part, if I got pregnant this cycle I would be due Nov 22. DH, his dad and brother's birthdays are all Nov 23 or 24, mine is Nov 18 and his SIL's is in Nov also. So it would only be fitting to be due in Nov. Also, our last pregnancy would have been due in November. So, all of those things combined are enough evidence for me. I am pregnant. I am still trying to hold out until Saturday to test but I am getting a little more anxious so I might not make it.

So let me tell you about my crazy dream last night. There was some kind of microscope/ultrasound gadget that I was able to look through to see the fertilized egg floating down the fallopian tubes. I saw the sperm penetrate the egg and the fertilization started. I wish I could draw a picture of what it looked like because this is how I imagine it happening. I followed all of the sperm up from my uterus into the tube and then saw that I got to a point and the sperm were swimming the other way so I went back a little bit and I saw the egg right at fertilization. Then I kept going up the tube and saw what looked like a much smaller egg (my 15mm) with less sperm around it but also fertilized. I really wish I had that instrument. I would love to be able to see inside my uterus/tubes to know what is going on in there. Oh well, I am in the 2nd week of the 2ww. Not too much longer to wait.

Last night we went to a comedy show for my cousins school. My uncles son (from a previous marriage, so like my step-cousin - we'll call C) and his wife were there. We had barely said hi, B offered to get me a soda and when he left C asked me flat out if I was pregnant. I said no and didnt really say anything else about it. I assumed it was because I had asked B for a soda instead of a beer. So I was annoyed but just left it alone. Halfway through the night B told me that C and his wife had asked him if I was pregnant. So I guess my response wasnt enough, they were convinced. This really upset me because I went from thinking it was because of the soda and became convinced it was because I am fat. I was almost in tears on the way home (another pregnancy symptom? I dont usually cry, I get angry). I may have been a little more sensitive because 2 nights before this event last year, we had found out we were pregnant for the first time. Anyway, I know I have gained weight but I am working on losing it. I have lost 7lbs by changing my diet. I cant exercise because it just isnt productive due to my IF treatment schedule. A typical cycle is like this... week 1 - depressed from getting AF, eat instead of working out. week 2 - this is the time that I could possibly work out and occasionally do. week 3 & 4 - 2ww, not working out. So how am I supposed to exercise consistently? I am well aware of the weight I have gained, I see it in pictures all the time. I guess it just seems silly to try to lose weight when I am going to be pregnant soon. A year and a half later, that doesnt seem like such a great plan but it is still hard to get motivated. I really hope I am no longer fat and just pregnant soon...

IUI #2 - 6dpiui

2008-03-07T14:23:00.002-05:00

I am sleepy... so very, very sleepy. I wonder how I make it through the day without falling asleep at my desk. I am clumsy because my reflexes are slowed. It is altogether bad. I am blaming the prometrium. I have taken it the last 2 cycles but maybe I already have extra progesterone from the 2 follicles and so the prometrium on top of it is just overwhelming my system. Besides that, nothing really to report. My temp today was nice and high, it was the first time I had taken it all cycle but 98.48 is on the higher side of normal post-O temps. Again, I attribute this to 2 follicles plus the supplement. I have been a little crampy occasionally but nothing too bad. Lots of CM unlike last cycle. All good things but they dont necessarily mean anything. On a probably unrelated note, I am bruising like crazy! I have all kinds of nasty random bruises showing up. I dont remember getting hurt but I must have hit something and I am just extra sensitive right now. It is most likely because of the aspirin I have been taking, maybe I should cut back on that. People are going to think that I'm abused. I was considering testing out my trigger starting today but I didnt have any dollar store tests and I havent had the energy to go out and get any so I am going to wait until at least 12dpiui, hopefully 14dpiui, to pee with a purpose, as my blog friend Gia put it.

In other news, I though that the one year anniversary of my first BFP was this weekend but it turns out it was last week (I was not going by date but by an annual event that happened to coincide). I think I'm glad that I missed it, no need to dwell. I cant believe it has been a year and I am still in the same place. No closer to having a baby. A BFP this cycle would really mean a lot (not like it wouldnt any other cycle, but you know what I mean).

Kitchen update: I got an email from the counter manufacture saying the sample that I ordered was discontinued. Awesome. So I guess I need to pick new counters. I have been looking at tile and flooring but nothing has wow'ed me yet. I will keep looking. I want to wait until I have samples so I can see everything together. We are going tomorrow to finalize the cabinet layout and place our official order. I am excited to get this process started!!! I will update with our new counter choice when we finally make a decision.

IUI #2 - DONE!

2008-03-02T10:17:00.004-05:00

I had my second of 2 IUIs yesterday morning. The cramping was way more intense than the others have been, it went all the way down my leg. And then while I was in pain the RE asked if B wanted to do the insemination. So B actually inseminated me! That was kind of neat except that I was in pain so I just wanted it to be over rather that waiting for him to get up and over there and the RE to show him how to do it. Anyway, it only took a minute or so and then it was done. Our count was down a little to 60 million with 80% motility but still good. So now we wait. I am going to do the pomegranate and pineapple thing just because it is the only think I can do to help but besides that I am going to try to keep myself busy with kitchen stuff.

We went to the kitchen design place yesterday to work on our kitchen layout. We ended up doing 2 layouts to try to maximize the space but ended up going with our original plan because I didnt think the second was as functional even though it did give us more base cabinet space. So after 3 1/2 hours, we decided on a layout, chose cabinets, countertops, a sink, a faucet and hardware. We spent so much time on the layout that I felt a little rushed choosing the actual components so I might go back and browse around to make sure everything is what I want. Also, we might be tweaking the layout just a tad. He gave us 3-D images of the kitchen layout and I have been labeling what we will use the different areas for to make sure that we have everything we need and there is no wasted space. Luckily there is a lot to do for the kitchen so it will keep me occupied during this 2ww. And if you are interested, my cabinets and counters are above.

IUI#2 - 1st B2B

2008-02-29T10:46:00.002-05:00

So this morning was my first of two IUIs this cycle. I was really concerned about B's sperm count since he has been so sick this week but he amazed me again with his super sperm - 100 million and 80% motility. Last time he was 110 million at the first IUI so he did great! I was really expecting 40 million or something much lower... phew! One more tomorrow and then we can start the 2ww. The procedure today was fine but a little more uncomfortable than I remember last time being. I didnt have much in my bladder which was probably the problem, I will drink something tomorrow morning.

I did ask Dr. F how many more cycles of clomid we would do if this doesnt work. He said maybe 1 at most so I guess by April we could be moving on to injectibles or maybe sooner. It is just nice to know that we arent going to continue doing clomid forever if it isnt working. Beta day is March 17 - St. Patrick's Day! - if I make it that far. I will probably start testing way before then. I might just POAS every day this cycle to reduce some of the anxiety around testing. I will test out the trigger and then wait for that BFP!

Oh! There was no trigger excitement last night. My aunt did it instead of B this time. You can tell that she is a pediatric nurse because she was so gentle and I really didnt feel it at all. I was shocked. When B did it I was screaming because it hurt. This time it was in and out, I thought there was no way that she could have injected everything that fast but she did! Way to go Aunt Barb! She said that since she administered the trigger, she is responsible if we get pregnant this month. I'll take whatever I can get, if she wants to take credit that is fine with me!

UPDATE: IUI#2 CD15

2008-02-28T14:20:00.002-05:00

The nurse called with my blood work results. E2 is 535 (!), progesterone is 1 and LH is 37.3. I will trigger tonight at 6 and then I have IUIs tomorrow at 8 and Saturday at 9:30. Here we go again!

If you recall, the trigger process last time was... interesting. This time my aunt is going to administer the shot - she is a nurse so she has a lot of practice. Then I cant blame B if it hurts or if I happen to get stuck twice again!!! So I have to hurry to the pharmacy to pick it up and then hurry over to get it before 6 (she will be leaving around 6 for class so it is doubly important to get there on time!).

Our kitchen appointment has been moved back to 3. That's ok because I want more time to research environmentally friendly options.

IUI#2 CD15

2008-02-28T08:44:00.002-05:00

I had another monitoring appointment today. The left side was still lagging with 4 follies that were between 8 and 14. You would think with all of those follicles at least one would have been mature. The right side was the superstar this time with 2 follicles - one at 22 and one at 16. That 16 is right on the cusp, a little more time and it could mature but too much time and we will miss the bigger one. Most likely, I will trigger tonight and have IUIs tomorrow and Saturday. I already set up my appointment for tomorrow just so I could get a decent time. I will update when they call me this afternoon with my blood work results. Oh and my lining was a plump 12! So things seem to be going well this cycle. I am concerned about Bs sample over the next 2 days. He has been sick all week and even stayed home from work. Is that going to impair the quality of the sample? Last time we were around 100 million which I know is a great number so even if he cut it in half, 50 million would still be great, right? Stay positive Lisa!

This morning I was telling my mom that there might be 2 and I was really hoping for 2 to be mature to increase our chances. She said, yeah but it also increases your chances for twins. I said, I'd rather have 2 than none. She agreed. I was freaking out on the way over to the appointment that there would be 5 and I would end up with quintuplets. I was thinking how I couldnt do selective reduction so I would have to be on bed rest for pretty much the entire pregnancy and how horrible it would be. Soon this daydream was spinning out of control - I was thinking about the risks and how hard it would be. I never actually imagined what would happen when they were home because in my day dream, they would all be in the nicu if they made it at all. Luckily, there wont be 5. There might be 2 but that's it. I can handle 2. I am hoping for anything.

UPDATE: CD13

2008-02-26T14:53:00.001-05:00

The REs office called with my blood work results: E2 - 208, LH 8.8, P4 isnt back yet but doesnt really matter. They want me to come back Thursday instead of Friday so hopefully that will move everything up a day and not interfere with work next week. We'll see...

IUI #2 - CD13

2008-02-26T09:02:00.002-05:00

I had my first monitoring appointment of this cycle and there was good news and bad. The good news is that I have 5 follicles - I have only ever had one on each side before. The bad news is that none of them are mature and he wants me to come back Friday (to be confirmed by blood work this afternoon). I am excited that there is a possibility of having more than one mature follicle to trigger but I am disappointed that they aren't ready yet. This week would be perfect for IUIs, I am in the office all week. Next week I will be at a client that is an hour away. It is going to be hard for me to come in late and it will be much more obvious. Plus, say my appointment is at 8 and we are done by 9, I wont get out to my client until 10. We work in small groups so that means that my staff would be there alone which is not ok. I can't make any plans until I know when the IUIs are going to be so I am going to try not to stress about it and hope that they are Saturday and Sunday, which also poses a problem. Saturday morning we have an appointment at the kitchen design center at 9am (we are getting a new kitchen!!!). We already rescheduled once, I want to get in there so we can start on the kitchen. I'll have to see if the REs office can do the IUI around noon instead of first thing in the morning. Again, something I can't worry about too much until I know what is going to happen. I hate not being able to plan things. It makes me seem inconsiderate when I cancel things at the last minute but it can't be helped.

I cant help but wonder if starting this cycle a day earlier than I should have is what pushed everything back. Now before you start screaming YES! let me explain. I dont remember if I posted about it already but I thought AF started last Wednesday night so I said Thursday was CD1 and set everything up. Thursday, there was no AF to be found but Friday she came back. So technically, Friday was probably CD1 but I didnt want to reschedule my appointments so I just left everything how it was setup and continued the cycle like Thurs was CD1. It seemed to work out since they decided to move my monitoring appointment to CD13 instead of 12 anyway. I took my clomid on CD4-8 as directed but it was actually 3-7. Plenty of people do that so I wasnt too concerned that I was going to mess anything up, plus I took it at night instead of in the morning so really it was only a half a day earlier than recommended. Are you following? I know this is a mess. So even though I am saying I am on CD13 today but really it is CD12, I would expect to have the same response that I would have on a normal CD12. Maybe I am over-reacting. Maybe this is my normal response and I just assumed that it would be like last cycle. Oh well, nothing I can do about it but wait until Friday to see what has changed. Grow follies, grow!

PS - B just called while I was writing this. The company he works for is based in Denmark and they want him to come over for a meeting that happens to be on Thanksgiving. He said he would only go if I could go. I would go in a heartbeat but if, by some miracle, I get pregnant this cycle, I would be due right around then so I wouldnt be able to go. If I got pregnant in the next few cycles I still wouldnt be able to go because I would be too far along to travel. I told him to go without me if that is the case but I guess he doesnt want to be over there for the holiday without me. He is going to talk to his boss about it to make sure that he could cancel if I ended up pregnant, but if he gets the ok then we are going to plan to go to Denmark in November! Yay!

CD9

2008-02-22T17:26:00.002-05:00

Where have I been? Geez! Work has been so busy, I didnt have enough time during the day to write and was too tired to get back on the computer at night. Plus, there isnt really much to talk about. Last weekend, Brian and I discussed adopting from Kazakhstan. We decided to move forward and if this cycle works we would just be out a few hundred dollars but if it didnt we would be on our way to adoption. By Monday, Brian had found a statement on the website of the Secretary of State that discussed the risks of travelling to Kazakhstan. Apparently, there are terrorist cells in that region and they are targeting Americans and willing to kill civilians in public places. This made Brian too nervous and honestly, I was a little scared too. We decided that now is not a good time to travel to a potentially hostile location so we put Kaz on hold. I started 100mg of Clomid on Sunday night. I took it at night this time because technically CD1 wasn't really CD1. I havent really had any side effects except a hot flash last night and the night before. I have been a tinge on the moody side but that could have been from stress at work. Next week should be a lot better at work which will be perfect since that is when I expect to have the IUIs.

How could I forget? Our other big news is that we are going to renovate the kitchen. We have been talking about it, going back and forth, and when we decided not to go through with the adoption I said I needed something to distract me and a new kitchen should do the trick! We are supposed to meet with the contractor tomorrow to find out what to expect and what we need to do. It is going to be so much fun! I'm sure it will be stressful as well but it will be something else for me to focus on which I really need. I am off to look at cabinets and counter tops!! Let me know if you have any suggestions - we have a tiny kitchen so I need to make the most of my space. Any space-saver or tight area tips?

CD1... again...

2008-02-14T09:21:00.002-05:00

So here we are again. My period started late last night so I will count today as CD1. I am ready to try one more cycle. If everything goes as it has in the past, the timing is really good for my work schedule. I was at the mall with my mom last night and the woman at the checkout counter was asking if I was married and if I had kids and then went into this whole thing about well if it happens, it happens but it's ok to wait blah blah blah. I was dying. It just seems like people bring stuff like that up when you are the most vulnerable - like when you know your cycle failed and you are about to get your period.

I also found out last night that one of my friends is moving across the country in July. She was in my wedding but we have kind of lost touch over the last year. I have been holed up, depressed about the miscarriage and not being able to get pregnant again and it turns out everyone else has moved on and is doing new and exciting things in their lives. So it turns out, time hasnt been standing still. Who knew?

13dpiui

2008-02-13T10:01:00.003-05:00

... and it's over. My temp dropped this morning, I have been having lots of AF cramping, she is right around the corner. I knew a couple days ago, my temp was not as high as it should have been and I just wasnt feeling it but that doesnt mean I wasnt still hoping that I would be surprised. I am frustrated, exhausted, sad and defeated. I dont know what I want to do. I am tired of all of the pills and appointments. Each cycle the highs are higher and the lows are lower. I seriously dont know how much more I can take.

Tomorrow is one year since we conceived last time, I never thought we would still be trying at this point. I dont know what I want to do from here. I know it was only the first IUI cycle but I dont know how many more I can do. I feel like if I take a year to give my thyroid some more time to recover and in the mean time start eating better, exercising and taking care of myself maybe I can get my body to ovulate on its own like it used to. We are seriously considering international adoption at some point, I am ready to start today but B wants to give it one or two more chances. It is frustrating because he isnt the one missing work for the appointments, taking all of the pills, getting the shots, etc. but this is a decision that we both need to be 100% on board with and I dont want to pressure him into it. He wants me off all of the medications as well but he is worried about the cost of international adoption. I have been trying to tell him that if there is ever a time that we are going to be able to afford it, that time is now. Once we have kids I am going to stop working so we wont have this extra income anymore. He agreed that we could start now but I know that he wasnt 100% into it, he was just agreeing because it is what I wanted. So I will wait. When AF arrives I will call Dr. F's office and set everything up for next cycle. I am going to ask what, if anything, they will change and also if there are any other tests that they can do to make sure we arent wasting time here. I dont really know what else to do. Somehow I have to tell everyone that it didnt work. This is why I dont like telling people about this, I need their support but I hate disappointing them. My mom really thought that this was going to work and she is going to be so disappointed, I know she wont be disappointed in me because there is nothing I could have done but she thought this was like a guarantee. I told her on Friday that there is only a 30% chance of this working and she said "Well why did Dr. F say see you when you're pregnant then?" I dont know... I dont know... I wish I would stop believing him when he says that.

11dpiui

2008-02-11T11:37:00.001-05:00

Defeated is my word of the day. There is no other way to explain how I feel today. Yesterday it was forgotten but today it is defeated. I dont know how much longer I can do this without knowing that one day it will work. If ever there was a planner, it is me and this past year and a half have been torture. I cant plan anything. Or I do plan and am always disappointed because nothing turned out like it was supposed to. I am sick of pushing things off because "this might be the cycle." I feel like the last year and a half has just passed me by and I have nothing to show for it, nothing at all. I am becoming more detached from the people around me. It is so hard to pretend to be happy. So today I am not pretending. I am in a horrible mood and everyone around me knows it and I dont give a crap. I dont want to be at work, I dont want to be around people, I dont want to talk to anyone. I want to be sleeping on my sofa. This is really some kind of torture. I read somewhere this weekend - maybe someone else's blog or maybe it heard it on tv - that the worst kind of torture is waiting and not knowing. At least when you know, you can start to deal with it. Not knowing leaves you in this limbo where you are scared to hope but even more scared that hope wont be enough.

I wish that I could wear a sign that says "Leave me alone, I am going through IF." Then people would understand and not even bother trying to cheer me up because cheering wont help. It just makes me mad. It invalidates my feelings. "Don't feel bad, it will happen." Oh really? It will, can you let me know when please? Since you have this direct line to God can you find out for me? Also, let him know that I am a little more than pissed at this completely unfair situation. My husband has a good job and can support us, I will be staying home, we live in a nice house where baby would eat organic food and be cloth diapered, rather than being raised in a crack house getting high from moms breast milk and maybe getting a diaper change once a day, maybe.

I went to see Avenue Q last night. It was hysterical but I think I used up my laugh quota for the week because today is worse than any other day had been up to this point. Ooo sorry, you used too many laughs on Sunday, Monday -Thursday there will be no laughing. Maybe Friday you might earn a few back but that is questionable.

Is it the weekend yet?

10dpiui

2008-02-10T09:19:00.000-05:00

sigh... I am just not feeling it. I am trying to hold onto little signs but deep down, I just dont think this is it. I decided to start temping a few days ago (I havent at all this cycle) just so I could see if it is going up or down since I am nearing the end of the cycle. The good news is that it is going up, +1 for pg. I feel like I dont have any symtoms except sore boobs which is a result of the prometrium, +1 for AF. I do have a really weird symtom, my nose looks different, I know that is odd but on my moms side, you can always tell someone is pregnant because their nose changes, +1 for pg. I took an hpt this morning, start white, +5 for AF. I am only 10dpiui so I will subtract most of those points (-4 for AF). So we end up with PG - 2, AF - 2. Not very convincing.

As each month goes by, I am getting closer and closer to starting the adoption process. I dont know how far into this I want to go. I know that we will have biological kids someday, we got pregnant before and our only real issue is that I dont ovulate. But when is that day going to come? Am I going to try to force my body to do something that it doesnt want to do for years when I could have started and possibly completed the adoption process by that point. It is just so hard to go forward with something that is going to cost $20-30k when I can continue with IF treatment for just a co-pay per appointment.

On Friday, I was at my mom's house. She had some friends over to play bunko, although we never got around to it. They all get together monthly and sometimes I go as well, they are close family friends and were all at my wedding. Anyway, towards the end of the night, it was just me, my mom, 2 of my aunts and 2 friends. We started talking about IVF and frozen embryos and what to do with them if you are finished having kids - donate, stem cell research or discard. It was really nice to hear their opinions because they seem to be really aware of the struggles associated with the decision and, after explaining a few things, how easy it could be to end up with extra embryos. I really hope that isnt a decision we are faced with, I hope we dont get to that point. I really hope that this is it and I dont need to worry about paying for adoption or frozen embryos. I hope but I dont have a good feeling about it.

6dpiui

2008-02-06T20:08:00.000-05:00

This is the longest 2ww ever and I am getting really down today. I have been dvr-ing adoption stories and I feel like why am I spending all this time and energy on fertility treatments instead of adoption? The only answer I can come up with is that adoption is so expensive and we have insurance coverage for the fertility treatments. I am so drawn to adoption and I know we will do it some day but I wonder if we should just do it today. I am also hating my job and hating that our IF is keeping me at my job. I am starting to resent IF, who am I kidding, I have been resenting IF for a while but today is just not a good day. I dont feel like this cycle is going to work. Why would it? The others havent. I keep thinking about what my due date would be or what it would be like when the baby got here but it seems so far away. I should have a baby, I should be a mommy. This should have already happened. I know that feeling sorry for myself isnt going to help anything but too bad, I'm doing it anyway, so ha!

By the way, if I was having any symptoms right now they would be fatigue (I fell asleep at 8:15 tomorrow and I was exhausted all day, ready for bed now and it is 8:30), maybe some moodiness :), sore boobs - I am going to take my temp tomorrow morning to see how it looks just as something else to analyze. All of these things could be caused by my progesterone but it is some kind of fun torture to play this game.

In other news, B and I have been talking about buying a new house closer to his office in the next year or two. We will have to save a lot of money since we havent been in this house long enough to build up much equity. I dont know if we will even be able to save that much in year or two, actually I'm pretty sure that we cant, but we are going to try. Once we do have a baby and I'm not working it is going to be a lot harder to save so we are working on it as much as we can now. So the point of this story is that we are saving for this new house and it is going to take a long time to do it but as of this morning, I want to move immediately. My parents live 4 blocks away in the next township over. Last night, my dad heard about 20 gunshots at 2 in the morning. This wasnt the first time there have been gun shots. We live close to the city so things that start there sometimes end up here. One time a few years ago there was a car chase that came from the city into the next neighborhood over which is all huge million dollar houses with lots of land and a really nice, secluded, wooded area, there was a shoot out with the cops. Then last year a cop was chasing someone else all the way down the main road (from the city again) and ended up pulling off into the train station which is down the street from us (I walked home from there yesterday) and the cop shot and killed the guy. In November, I stopped at a local bakery to pick up a cupcake for my godsons first birthday. As we were walking from the car into the bakery a man mugged a woman right in front of us, in the middle of the day, with tons of people around. What happened to my neighborhood? It is too easy to get here from the city. We need to move north. So I looked online for info on the gunshots last night and there was nothing. My dad said he didnt hear sirens afterwards - by the way, if you are wondering why we didnt hear it, about a year ago there was a fire at an apartment building in my neighborhood maybe 2 blocks away, we didnt know about it until we saw it on the news the next day, I guess we are sound sleepers- so no sirens which he thought meant either that the cops were already involved like the chases before or the cops never got involved because no one called them. I just want to know what happened and why there was a shoot out within earshot of my house. Actually, knowing isn't that important to me because it doesnt matter why it happened. This is becoming too frequent, we need to move.

2 dpiui

2008-02-01T12:29:00.000-05:00

Yup, that's right, IUI. A lot has happened since CD2. I went in on CD12 for a normal monitoring appointment. One decent sized follie and E2 over 100. Not quite ready yet so I went back on Tuesday (CD14). A nice follie at 21, lining at 9.1, E2 at 434 and LH at 20. Side note: This was my first appt with Dr. C as Dr. F was at the other office that day. He was accompanied by a med student and the chief resident of something or other. He asked if the resident could try the ultrasound on me, I figured, sure, I am all for helping with the teaching process. It was just wierd because I had such an audience, Dr. C, med student, resident and nurse. Anyway, Dr. C asked if we were doing IUI or TI, I said just TI and didnt think much of it because he wasnt my regular doctor and wasnt familiar with my history. So the nurse calls with the blood work results and asks the same thing, TI or IUI. At that point I started to wonder, if everyone is asking, should we be doing it? I said no because we hadnt discussed it and she gave instructions to trigger that night with TI the following 2 nights and start p4 supps on Sunday. I called B to get his opinion and we decided that we should go for it. Why not, right? It is covered by insurance and it was already pre-approved for this cycle (my RE wants it pre-approved just in case there is hosile CM). It wasnt a very long conversation, we both just knew that if there was something that would increase our chances, we were going to try it. I did ask him a few times if he was sure that he wouldnt be uncomfortable with it and if he was ok with not making a baby the "old-fashioned way." He assured me that he was and he is in this, no matter what it takes. So I called the nurse back and scheduled b2b (back to back) IUIs for Wednesday and Thursday morning. Here is the process if you are not familiar with it. B produces a sample in a sterile cup at home. We drive to the office to drop off the sample where they do some spinning and washing thing. Basically, they are seperating the sperm from the seminal fluid. They put this into a syringe connected to a catheter (this process takes about 30 minutes). When it is ready we go back and the RE inserts a speculum (cold metal thing used when getting a pap) and then guides the catheter into my uterus. At this point I am flinching in pain because there is definitely cramping as this little tube is going into places that it does not belong. He shoots all of the sperm into my uterus and then slowly removes the catheter and it is over. The whole thing takes maybe 2 minutes. I was instructed to lay on the table for 10 minutes and then go about my normal day. We repeated that process on Thursday and now we just wait.

B wants me to stay home all weekend on the sofa to help implantation. I am not arguing, I will take it where I can get it. I will not be on the sofa the entire weekend since tomorrow I am going to see 27 dresses with a friend, then to dinner with my fam since my brother is home from school for the weekend, then B and I are going to the movies again to see the Kite Runner. Sunday is the superbowl so we will be out for that as well. But I was told no shopping or anything strenuous - I hope that includes laundry and cleaning!!

Speaking of the superbowl, B is at Wing Bowl today. If you arent familiar with this event it is basically a wing eating contest at a freakishly early hour sponsored by a radio station. There is lots of drinking involved as well. The contestants have to qualify by doing outrageous things like chugging a gallon of milk or eating absurd amounts of hot dogs. These are professional eaters. I am very happy to report that my husband is not a contestant, nor did he ever want to be, he is just a spectator. Thousands of people go to this craziness, you need tickets, it is at a professional sports venue. It is a guy thing. My mom compared it to shopping on black friday. We get up ridiculously early to go shopping with thousands of other people, we check the ads the night before, we scope out the best deals, it is a girl thing. So he is doing his guy thing today and I am at work. I heard from him about an hour ago and he was slurring... at 11:30 in the morning. He claims the beers are going down easy, I'm sure they are. It's a guy thing. I told him that if this cycle doesnt work he better not have drunk sperm next cycle.

So back to the baby business, I was told when all was finished to come back in 2 weeks when I'm pregnant. I have a very optimistic RE. 2 weeks would put us at valentines day, coincidentally (or maybe not) that is the same day that we conceived last year - yes it was a valentines baby - I hope that is a good sign. I am really going to try to wait the full 2 weeks, we'll see. So begins the 2ww.........................

PS My spellcheck isnt working so I apologize for any typos!

CD2

2008-01-17T13:17:00.000-05:00

The doctors office called yesterday but both doctors were out of the office so they said they would call me today. How considerate! Any other doctors office just wouldnt have called, this is amazing. So anyway, they called today. I am going to up my clomid dose to 100mg which was expected and everything else is going to stay the same. I go in tomorrow for CD3 blood work just to check things out and make sure there is nothing we are missing. They will give me my scripts for the cycle and then Saturday I start clomid again. My CD12 monitoring will be on Sunday, Jan 27 at 8:30am. Unfortunately, this means that I had to cancel my pampered chef demonstration that I was going to have that morning. Since I will probably be working on Saturday I am not going to have time to clean the house and make food and everything. It will just be easier. Plus I will most likely be a teensy bit cranky at this point in my cycle and if the u/s and b/w don't go well then I will probably be more than a teensy bit cranky. So really I am saving people and protecting friendships this way. Here we go cycle #2. I hate to say it but I am not optimistic for this cycle. I just dont think this is going to work. I am predicting thin lining or no CM. I think I am going to take mucinex this cycle to help with the CM. Evening primrose oil didnt do enough last cycle so I need to step it up.

CD1

2008-01-16T11:24:00.000-05:00

Well we are starting over again. I continued spotting, my temp was down the entire time and now it is 5 days later and AF is here. I was upset about it on Monday but I am ok today. Monday I was questioning whether I could do it again and today I am ready to get started again. I am waiting for a call from the REs office to let me know what we are going to do this cycle and we will go from there. Medicated cycles are a little better than regular cycles because there is always something new happening so you arent waiting that long between events. I imagine I will be starting clomid on Saturday so only a few days until I get to do something that could bring me a step closer to having a baby. I will update when I find out what the plan is going to be.

Cycle Reflection:
1 - I am a bitch on clomid
2 - I get hot flashes on clomid
3 - My LP was weak (low temps, spotting) which concerns me and I think I want a higher dose of progesterone
4 - I would like a higher dose of clomid so there is an opportunity for 2 mature follicles and/or the follicle(s) will be mature earlier
5 - I would like to have some testing done to make sure there are no other problems. Just CD3 b/w for me and a SA and maybe b/w for B. We thought my thyroid was the only issue and apparently it's not so I want to make sure there arent any other issues that can be corrected/planned around.
6 - I am going to start the infertility diet. I think it pertains to me and it is probably one of the only things that I can do to help. Plus, I could stand to lose a pound or twenty.

That's all for now. I knew I wasnt going to be that first-clomid-cycle-BFP story.

10 dpo

2008-01-12T15:40:00.000-05:00

So I havent written in a while because work is crazy busy. Here is a little update on what has happened. I have zero symptoms, even with the prometrium, and I started spotting today. Spotting is not good news unless it is implantation spotting. I wont know that for a few days I guess. Another one of Dr. F's patients just got a BFP this week from her first cycle with him. That was so encouraging until today... spotting...

I will update in a few days if I get a break from work. I am not looking forward to the rest of this busy season. It is going to suck.

4dpo

2008-01-06T09:11:00.000-05:00

So according to fertilityfriend, I am 4dpo. I think I am only 3dpo but I guess it doesnt really matter. I took my first dose of progesterone today so I am going to stop charting. Last night B and I went to the store to pick up the implantation supplies. This included 2 pineapples and necessary ingredients for pineapple smoothies and pomegranate juice. Both are supposed to help with implantation. These medicated cycles are much more intense than an unmedicated cycle. I feel like there is so much more pressure for this to work and I need to do everything possible to help. According to fertilityfriend our timing this month was High. I have never gotten a High before, the best we've done is Good, so I am very excited. Obviously I know that it doesnt necessarily mean anything but it is hard not to be optimistic when it seems like all conditions are perfect. It is funny, I keep going back and forth between "this has to work, this is going to work" to "there is no way this is working and I should prepare myself for that now." This will continue for the next week and a half.

So in Gretchens blog she asked the question "Who am I?" and it had me thinking. Who am I? I am certainly not who I expected to be at this point. I feel like I am in limbo right now. I have considered going back to school for nursing but I dont want to start something like that when I could get pregnant at any time. Plus, when we do have kids, I will be staying home so no point in going to school when I am not going to be working anyway. I can't stay at my current job much longer. I hate it and it shows. I am not motivated to do anything or learn new things. I do just enough to get by and my recent promotion demands much more than that, it isn't fair to the people I work with. I expected to be a mom by now and I feel like I am just passing time until that happens. Honestly, when I think about what is important in life and where my priorities are, family is most important. Not having kids is not an option. I know I can't live in this limbo much longer, and hopefully I wont have to, but I find it incredibly difficult to make plans as if we are not going to have kids soon. I try to take advantage of some things like going out to brunch with the girls or having lazy days at home but I just cant make huge life changes. What should I do? Should I be living my life like we wont get pregnant? Should I stay in this limbo hoping it will happen soon? I have been in this place for over a year now and it is getting old. I dont know if I can do it for another year.

One more thing...

2008-01-03T17:18:00.000-05:00

This article was posted by someone on TTTC. I think it should be required reading for people who have "advice" but have never dealt with IF.

http://www.justmommies.com/articles/trying-too-hard.shtml

Trying to Get Pregnant - Are You Trying Too Hard?
Trying to conceive is supposed to be a natural process that is easy, at least, that is what people would lead you to think. Yet, if you have been trying to conceive for many months or even years, you may realize that having children does not come easily for everyone. In fact, each month, a woman has only a twenty to thirty percent chance of conceiving. Most women will conceive within a year of trying but a small percentage of women will still not conceive even after a year of diligently trying.
If you have been trying to conceive for any length of time you have probably been given advice from well-meaning or not-so-well-meaning friends or family. You have likely heard the suggestion that you need to relax and stop trying so hard. Maybe you were told something like this “I knew this couple that tried for years to get pregnant and as soon as they stopped trying, they got pregnant”. Or another common statement you might here is a story about someone who finally decided to adopt and then they turned up pregnant.
Is there any truth to this? Does trying too hard really cut down your chances of conceiving? There has been much debate about the impact of stress on fertility. Some researchers believe that stress impacts fertility but it is not clear whether the infertility causes the stress or stress causes infertility. There is no question, that fertility issues can put a strain on any relationship. For a couple trying to conceive, the journey often starts out with enthusiasm and optimism. After several cycles of trying, this optimism may soon lead to despair and frustration.
Although stress may have an impact on a couple’s fertility it is more likely that stress is the result of infertility not the cause. Most couples will conceive within a year of trying. For couples who do not conceive within a year or two of trying there is almost always a physical cause for their infertility. In fact, 90% of all infertility has an identifiable physical cause. Couples will want to be evaluated by a doctor if they have been trying for over a year and have not had success at conceiving.
What about the stories of couples adopting and later becoming pregnant? Does fertility improve when you stop trying? This is simply not true. Although, it is not completely unheard of for a woman to get pregnant after adopting the statistics do not show any improvement in fertility. The percentage of women getting pregnant after adopting is about 5 percent, which is the same as women who have infertility and do not adopt. (source: www.resolve.org)
Can you have too much sex? Does trying too hard cut down your chances of getting pregnant? Women only have a short period of time when they are fertile. Having sex frequently during this period of time will increase your chances of getting pregnant. Most experts recommend having sex at least every other day during a woman’s fertile period. It was once suggested that men with low sperm counts abstain from sex prior to ovulation to increase their sperm count. However, recent studies have not shown that abstaining improves sperm count. In fact In men with low sperm counts, the researchers found the volume of semen increased after prolonged abstinence, but the quality got gradually worse the longer the men held back." (source:www.intelihealth.com)
The bottom line is that there is no such thing as trying too hard. The difference between a couple that conceives when trying and a couple that does not is not based on how hard they try. Implying that relaxation or not trying increases your chances of getting pregnant, only alienates couples that are trying to conceive and adds to their frustration. Exactly how do you try less when you desperately want a baby? There are no penalties for trying too hard. If you and your partner have been trying to conceive for over a year consult your doctor for fertility treatment options. Trying or not trying hard enough does not cause infertility.

O Day

2008-01-03T16:56:00.000-05:00

So today is supposed to be ovulation day (to be confirmed by a temp spike tomorrow). We have done everything we could to make this work considering B didn't get home until 3am last night, we are devoted to the cause. One last time tonight for good measure (hopefully earlier than 3am) and the rest is out of our hands. I am thinking about eating some pineapple core over the next 5 days or just drinking a lot of pineapple juice. I dont like pineapple so this is going to be fun, again, devoted to the cause. If pineapple will get me pregnant, I am going to ingest it!!! This morning I didnt have time to take my meds before I left for work so I packed them all up in a little baggy and brought them with me. I look like a 70 year old woman with all of the freaking pills I am taking! PLUS it is only going to increase starting Sunday - I will be adding 2 more to my daily intake, bringing the total up to 8 if I am still taking the cold medicine.

I am considering torturing myself by going to see Juno. It is a movie about a teenage girl that gets pregnant and the baby is adopted. From what I have heard, it is a rough viewing for the infertiles. This only made me want to see it more. I think I enjoy torturing myself. Or maybe I am looking for a cathartic outlet. Not sure which. I will probably wait until it is on OnDemand so I can sob in the privacy of my own home. I hate when you are at the movies and the lights turn on and you have turned into a raccoon.

PS I bought 4 $Tree pg tests to test out my trigger. I will wait until 5 or 6 dpt to start testing so I dont waste too many. Hopefully the first one will be negative and I can start my obsessive actual testing soon after. Ok so 4 dpo might be a little early but what about 6?? :) I am working on waiting until the full 14.... haha.

Back to work

2008-01-02T21:13:00.000-05:00

So today was my first day back to work since Dec 23. It was not fun. I cant wait to stop working... seriously. I wish I had a job I loved and was passionate about but unfortunately I decided to go for the money, which is nice and I can't complain about, but it doesnt make it any easier to wake up in the morning and go to work. My friend at work is about 12 weeks pregnant and I am thrilled for her, she had a miscarriage last January and it took them almost a year to get pregnant again (I think they were trying for about 9 months). She is still so scared which worries me. I am so much more of a worrier than she is so if she is still scared, I am going to be a mess when I get pregnant again. I just want to enjoy every minute of my pregnancy and not worry until there is a reason to worry but obviously that is not possible. So I will just try my hardest. I think if I didnt have to work that would make it easier (hint hint).

Did I talk about my trigger yet? I dont think I did... I had my first trigger last night! Yay! My aunt gave it to me because I knew I would be too chicken. I am a baby with needles which is kind of funny considering over the last year I have had about a million needles. I am fine if I don't look at it but obviously if I am giving it to myself I will have to watch. Hopefully this was a one time thing and I wont need anymore needles! I think it is symbolic that my trigger was on 1/1/08, it is the first day of the new year and the first day of this new phase in my life (being pregnancy). I should ovulate tomorrow and then on Sunday I start 200mg of prometrium. I have decided that I am only going to chart to confirm ovulation and then stop for the rest of the 2ww. It will just make me crazy, and I will be crazy anyway so I dont need anymore craziness. Bring on the 2ww!!

Happy New Year!!

2008-01-01T11:11:00.001-05:00

2008 is going to be great! That is my new mantra. It has to be great because 2007 was so not. I just want to reflect on 2007 and look forward to 2008 for a minute.

2007 was supposed to be our newlywed year. Everyone says your first year married is the hardest, they had no idea. We didnt have issues adjusting to each other or fighting all the time. It was, what I hope is the hardest year of our marriage because of all of the sadness, uncertainty and setbacks. We started out the year so hopeful and optimistic, we were certain that we would have a baby by the end of the year. When we got pregnant we were so excited, this was the beginning of the rest of our lives. I couldnt help but be worried because so many people I know had just lost their babies. I remember my mom saying, just relax, everything is going to be fine. But I just couldnt let myself get too attached. Was it mothers intuition? I knew that it wasnt going to work out? Or was it because I knew that the percentage of pregnancies that end in miscarriage is so high? Either way, I was as prepared as I could have been when we got the news. Unfortunately, that didnt make it any easier. It was a dark time. I think that was probably the worst thing I have been through. Now, as it relates to our newlywed year, B and I grieve in different ways. We had to figure out how to communicate and support each other through this. It wasn't always easy but it definitely brought us closer. I know that is such a cliche phrase and so over used but it is so true. I dont know if I would have made it through without him. A few months after the miscarriage, when we were finally recovering and ready to move on, I went to the OBGYN because I wasn't ovulating. He ran a bunch of tests and determine that my TSH was low indicating hyperthyroidism. This sent me to my PCP for more blood work and then to an endocrinologist for a diagnosis. We originally thought it was Grave's disease which would have required treatment and a LONG break from TTC. We started looking into international adoption and were ready to get started. It was then discovered that it I had thyroiditis and not Graves disease. This is good news in that it wont take nearly as long to recover (or shouldn't) but there is still recovery time. Unfortunately, only time could correct this, and of course, like everything else, this took longer than expected. I am still currently on synthroid because thyroiditis is like a roller coaster. The antibodies attacked my thyroid and expelled all of my thyroid hormone. My thyroid still hasnt completely recovered (and may never) and is now under active which led to the need for synthroid. I go back in a few weeks for another check of levels and hopefully I will be back to normal. So once my thyroid was corrected and my levels were ok on synthroid, I was hoping my cycles would go back to normal. No such luck. So I decided I was sick of waiting, we started trying to get pregnant in Oct 2006, and once the one year mark came I made an appointment with the RE. I am so glad I did it because I really dont think my cycles would have gone back to normal on their own. So this year, which started with so much hope and optimism, has ended with heartache and grief. Which leads to my mantra, 2008 will be great. It has to be. I never would have imagined that we would be here right now yet here we are. It isnt going to stop us, we will just have to work harder.

Trigger tomorrow!

2007-12-31T13:37:00.001-05:00

My appointment today was much better than Friday. I had a 17mm follie, nice and almost ripe! My nurse called with my b/w results but I was sleeping when she called so I'm not sure of the numbers. Estrogen was over 200, Progesterone was 1ish and LH was over 20. "Beautiful!" according to the nurse. Tomorrow night I will trigger and I should ovulate on Thursday. Sunday I am to start the progesterone supplements and then I should call back in 2 weeks for b/w if I dont get my period. I told her I hoped I would be calling her! She reminded me that unfortunately I would be calling either way (I would need to set up an appt to get the next cycle started). So I was certain that this cycle was a bust and I was wrong. I always assume the worst but that helps me cope. If I assume the worst and it turns out ok, I am pleasantly surprised. If I am right, at least I am semi-prepared.

SO about the trigger... first, they never told me at the office that it needed to be refridgerated. I only knew that from the nest (thanks nesties!). If I didnt know that I wouldnt have checked the box and then I wouldnt have refridgerated it and I would have ruined the whole thing. Ok, maybe I am being a little dramatic again but still, isnt that something they should have told me? Second, I really want to be able to give myself the trigger but I dont think I will be able to. I cant even watch when they take blood. So I think I am going to do it at my moms tomorrow since everyone will be over for dinner. Not that I want an audience but my aunts, who are both nurses, will be there and if I chicken out, they can give it to me. Oh and why isnt B giving it to me like everyone else's husband? Because he has the shakiest hands ever, especially when he is nervous. He is worried that he will break the needle while trying to give me the shot so he refuses to even attempt it. I dont want to make him do it if he isnt comfortable and I really dont want a broken needle in me!!

So here we go! I am ready for my first official 2ww since the miscarriage!! I hope this works.

Eh

2007-12-28T13:46:00.000-05:00

That's about it, eh. Only 2 follicles and they were small, poor blood work results (estrogen - 62, progesterone - 1, LH - 9.3). A mature follicle should be at least 18mm with a corresponding estrogen level of 200-600. I am really scared that this cycle isn't going to work and I am never going to ovulate. I do go back Monday morning at 8:15 for another check but that is only 3 days away. If follicles grow 1-3mm/day then it is possible (barely) to have a mature follicle but more than likely it wont be. I wish there was something I could do to help but this is a waiting game. This process is a constant cycle of waiting. Waiting for your period, waiting for monitoring, waiting for results, waiting for more monitoring (if necessary), waiting for your period (or BFP), lather, rinse, repeat. I think I need some retail therapy. A new pair of skinny jeans for my new uggs would be perfect. If only I could fit into skinny jeans. I think I am going to set a little goal for myself. I am going to try 7lb increments. I think 10lbs is too much but 5 wont show enough of a result. Every 7 lbs I will reward myself with something and the first 7 will be skinny jeans. Maybe the next 7 will be an adorable bathing suit by Jessica Simpson that I saw on The View this morning, we'll see. Funny, I say this but really I hope that I start gaining weight and really have no intentions of losing weight. I need to though. I will just start being healthier and maybe exercise some and see how things go.

Dinner tonight at Ooka probably isnt going to help so maybe I will start tomorrow :)

First CD12 Monitoring

2007-12-28T09:22:00.001-05:00

So I guess the good news is that they really get you in and out of there. I hadnt even sat down in the waiting room and they took me back for blood work. Then I flipped through a magazine for a few minutes and they took me back for the ultrasound. I spent approx 5 minutes in there (I didnt even wait more than 3 minutes all undressed and half naked on the table) and I was done. So the results as of now are that the doctor is a little disappointed that follicles are on the small side, a 12mm on lefty and smaller on the right side. I glanced at the screen when he measured my lining and it was a little above 7mm so I think that is pretty good. He said they will call me this afternoon and let me know when to come back based on my blood work results. He also wants us to BD the night before or morning of our next appointment so he can evaluate my CM, I have a feeling it is not optimal but we'll see. So hopefully Monday we'll get better news. As an aside, since it doesnt really matter with my monitoring, I did get Fertile Day 1 on the OvWatch this morning which I think lines up with the results of my u/s as long as my follicles continue to grow so that is semi-encouraging.

In other news, the adjuster came out to look at my car yesterday and is sending a check in the mail. They said my car should be fixed by the end of next week, YAY!

2007-12-27T13:37:00.000-05:00

I managed to make it through my first round of clomid with some hot flashes but pretty minimal side effects overall. B says that I wasnt a total bitch so I feel like I have already accomplished something. I go in tomorrow for CD12 blood work and ultrasound. I hope that there is something there, I hope this has all been worth it and not another wasted cycle. I have actually been feeling some twinges and strange sensations which is unusual so I am hoping that there has been a lot of activity from my ovaries! Go ovaries go! I wish there was something I could do to help the response but I guess this medication is supposed to take care of that for me.

In non-tttc news, Christmas was fabulous! We are so lucky to have such great families. It was just what I needed when I was feeling down. Also, we are not going to the shore this weekend. With the monitoring tomorrow and everything else going on, it just isnt going to work out. That really stinks because it will be a while before we can get down there again but relaxing at home will be just as nice. I will update tomorrow with the results of the monitoring. Fingers crossed!!

Starting once again...

2007-12-19T18:31:00.000-05:00

I think in the new year I am going to use this as an outlet. Posting on TTTC is a huge help but sometimes I just need to get all of my thoughts out. This is going to be pretty random for a little while until I am all caught up with what has been going on but I will give it a try. So here goes...

So I feel like we are just beginning this process and we have already been working at it for 14 months. We had our first meeting with an RE a few weeks ago and we are set to start our first cycle on 50mg of clomid, the possibility of a trigger and TI. The RE didnt set up CD3 bloodwork which worries me a little but he seems pretty confident that this is all it's going to take and we dont have any other issues since we were pregnant once before. I am anxious to get this process started. I am expecially anxious about my CD12 ultrasound and bloodwork. What if it says I am not responding? What if this whole cycle is a waste? I am trying to be optimistic because I was producing eggs before, my hormones just werent surging enough to release them, but I am still scared. So we are starting fertility treatments. I will be taking fertility drugs. I cant believe this is happening. This needs to work. I start tomorrow.

I do have to say that today isnt a bad day. Yesterday was an extremely bad day but today is much better. I am hopeful and optimistic. I am a little annoyed that we have to deal with this and it is already inconvenient. We are supposed to go to the shore for new years weekend with my family and I have my CD12 appointment that friday. Depending on how that goes, we may need to have another appointment over the weekend or we may need to BD multiple times over the weekend if the RE decides to trigger. Either way, a weekend at the shore sleeping on an air mattress in the living room is probably out of the question but we wont know for sure until that day. Annoying. Worth it, but annoying.

3 months later...

2007-06-05T11:15:00.000-04:00

Well, we all know how that ended. Told everyone... everyone is excited... dr. appointment... ultrasound... blighted ovum... start naturally miscarrying... d&e... the end. It is amazing how quickly everything changes. So we are not going to dwell on the past (believe me, I have done it enough already), time to move forward. Project Fat Cat Baby (aka Little Big Head) is back underway. Hopefully there will be an update with good news soon, very soon because I dont know how much longer I can last. One more thing, I will never be able to thank everyone enough for all of their support during this time. I dont know how I would have made it through otherwise. I am so lucky.

PS Apparently, I have a very fertile yard (robins nest and rabbits nest). Hopefully some of their baby dust will be passed on to me.

Is that a line???

2007-03-02T15:34:00.000-05:00

Thursday, March 1 - 6:00pm - After a few months of frustration I think I see a line. I'm not sure though, is it a line? Am I seeing things? Am I making it up? Should I tell B now or when I'm sure? No, I will wait to tell him, I would hate to disappoint him. Forget it, I am telling him, I am not going through this alone. After agonizing for what seems like forever, checking and re-checking and re-checking, I am going to tell him. I got him a cute little book titled, "My Boys Can Swim." Will he get it? I sure hope so! He walks in, I am trying to telepathically tell him to look at the book on the table. He walks around, does some stuff, damnit look at the book! FINALLY - "what's this?" "It's for you!" He opens it and now he knows... that I'm crazy. I show him the test (which was hiding under the junk mail). Does he see a line? He thinks so, there is definitely something there. I dont trust it. Dinner is in the oven and we make a quick trip over to Rite-Aid, can't go wrong with a digital. It says right on there - Pregnant or Not Pregnant. What a great invention. We relax for the rest of the evening while I prepare to take this one in the morning.

Friday, March 2 - 3:00am - I'm wide awake. How many more hours until I can take it? I can't go back to sleep, the anxiety is killing me. Around 3:30 I decide to turn on the tv (B is awake at this point as well). We watch All My Children which was tivo'd yesterday. Around 5:00 I just can't take it anymore. It is close enough to morning. So I pee and then wait... and wait... and wait for what seems like forever and then...PREGNANT! It says it right on there. No guessing about lines! After the excitment dies down (which doesnt take long considering it is 5am and we are exhausted) I get back into bed to try to get some sleep except now I can't sleep for another reason. We are going to have a baby! A BABY! I dont want to tell a soul, what if it isn't true? What if something happens? And then I ask B the most important question on my mind... "How long is the wait to get into the daycare are your work?" He promises to find out. I feel better and I can finally fall asleep for another hour until the alarm ruins it.

Today has been crazy. Is this real? Sometimes I forget for a minute (because I am actually trying to get some work done on this the craziest day of my life). Then it all comes back and I immediately search the internet for some tidbit of information that I must know immediately. What is my due date? How far along am I? What is the baby doing at this point? By the way the answers are November 7, 4 weeks and 2 days, and not much of anything besides forming all of its VITAL organs. I hope I don't mess this up! Of course my mom and dad are away this weekend. Do they ever go away? No! Why did they have to go away this weekend out of all of the possible weekends? How will I hold it in until they get home? I think they will be surprised. I want to tell the world, I want everyone to share in our excitement, but I can't. We have to wait. I have made my first appointment. It is March 15, only 2 weeks away which is sooner than I expected. I guess there is nothing else to do but wait and hope that everything is ok. And sleep, I am exhausted from being awake last night.

***Stick baby! Stick!***