4dpo

So according to fertilityfriend, I am 4dpo. I think I am only 3dpo but I guess it doesnt really matter. I took my first dose of progesterone today so I am going to stop charting. Last night B and I went to the store to pick up the implantation supplies. This included 2 pineapples and necessary ingredients for pineapple smoothies and pomegranate juice. Both are supposed to help with implantation. These medicated cycles are much more intense than an unmedicated cycle. I feel like there is so much more pressure for this to work and I need to do everything possible to help. According to fertilityfriend our timing this month was High. I have never gotten a High before, the best we've done is Good, so I am very excited. Obviously I know that it doesnt necessarily mean anything but it is hard not to be optimistic when it seems like all conditions are perfect. It is funny, I keep going back and forth between "this has to work, this is going to work" to "there is no way this is working and I should prepare myself for that now." This will continue for the next week and a half.

So in Gretchens blog she asked the question "Who am I?" and it had me thinking. Who am I? I am certainly not who I expected to be at this point. I feel like I am in limbo right now. I have considered going back to school for nursing but I dont want to start something like that when I could get pregnant at any time. Plus, when we do have kids, I will be staying home so no point in going to school when I am not going to be working anyway. I can't stay at my current job much longer. I hate it and it shows. I am not motivated to do anything or learn new things. I do just enough to get by and my recent promotion demands much more than that, it isn't fair to the people I work with. I expected to be a mom by now and I feel like I am just passing time until that happens. Honestly, when I think about what is important in life and where my priorities are, family is most important. Not having kids is not an option. I know I can't live in this limbo much longer, and hopefully I wont have to, but I find it incredibly difficult to make plans as if we are not going to have kids soon. I try to take advantage of some things like going out to brunch with the girls or having lazy days at home but I just cant make huge life changes. What should I do? Should I be living my life like we wont get pregnant? Should I stay in this limbo hoping it will happen soon? I have been in this place for over a year now and it is getting old. I dont know if I can do it for another year.