Defeated is my word of the day. There is no other way to explain how I feel today. Yesterday it was forgotten but today it is defeated. I dont know how much longer I can do this without knowing that one day it will work. If ever there was a planner, it is me and this past year and a half have been torture. I cant plan anything. Or I do plan and am always disappointed because nothing turned out like it was supposed to. I am sick of pushing things off because "this might be the cycle." I feel like the last year and a half has just passed me by and I have nothing to show for it, nothing at all. I am becoming more detached from the people around me. It is so hard to pretend to be happy. So today I am not pretending. I am in a horrible mood and everyone around me knows it and I dont give a crap. I dont want to be at work, I dont want to be around people, I dont want to talk to anyone. I want to be sleeping on my sofa. This is really some kind of torture. I read somewhere this weekend - maybe someone else's blog or maybe it heard it on tv - that the worst kind of torture is waiting and not knowing. At least when you know, you can start to deal with it. Not knowing leaves you in this limbo where you are scared to hope but even more scared that hope wont be enough.
I wish that I could wear a sign that says "Leave me alone, I am going through IF." Then people would understand and not even bother trying to cheer me up because cheering wont help. It just makes me mad. It invalidates my feelings. "Don't feel bad, it will happen." Oh really? It will, can you let me know when please? Since you have this direct line to God can you find out for me? Also, let him know that I am a little more than pissed at this completely unfair situation. My husband has a good job and can support us, I will be staying home, we live in a nice house where baby would eat organic food and be cloth diapered, rather than being raised in a crack house getting high from moms breast milk and maybe getting a diaper change once a day, maybe.
I went to see Avenue Q last night. It was hysterical but I think I used up my laugh quota for the week because today is worse than any other day had been up to this point. Ooo sorry, you used too many laughs on Sunday, Monday -Thursday there will be no laughing. Maybe Friday you might earn a few back but that is questionable.
Is it the weekend yet?
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2 comments:
Hey Lisa,
yes, I'm doing this alone, I have the support of my best friend, who i love dearly. It's tough, i just wish i were in a different place in my life,but I'm tired of waiting for things to change and happen. Today i feel so down. It's like the closer you get to the testing day that harder the disappointment is to bare.
I am a planner too and I have to agree that that might be the worst part about IF. When other things go wrong I can some how say that it was because of X Y or Z and start a new plan. With IF though I just start the plan at the beggining again. It is like each cycle, our plan just starts right back at square A again. It sucks, and like you I am not in the mood to pretend anymore. (((((HUGS)))))) and I hope and pray both of us will be moving onto motherhood very soon.
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