13dpiui

... and it's over. My temp dropped this morning, I have been having lots of AF cramping, she is right around the corner. I knew a couple days ago, my temp was not as high as it should have been and I just wasnt feeling it but that doesnt mean I wasnt still hoping that I would be surprised. I am frustrated, exhausted, sad and defeated. I dont know what I want to do. I am tired of all of the pills and appointments. Each cycle the highs are higher and the lows are lower. I seriously dont know how much more I can take.

Tomorrow is one year since we conceived last time, I never thought we would still be trying at this point. I dont know what I want to do from here. I know it was only the first IUI cycle but I dont know how many more I can do. I feel like if I take a year to give my thyroid some more time to recover and in the mean time start eating better, exercising and taking care of myself maybe I can get my body to ovulate on its own like it used to. We are seriously considering international adoption at some point, I am ready to start today but B wants to give it one or two more chances. It is frustrating because he isnt the one missing work for the appointments, taking all of the pills, getting the shots, etc. but this is a decision that we both need to be 100% on board with and I dont want to pressure him into it. He wants me off all of the medications as well but he is worried about the cost of international adoption. I have been trying to tell him that if there is ever a time that we are going to be able to afford it, that time is now. Once we have kids I am going to stop working so we wont have this extra income anymore. He agreed that we could start now but I know that he wasnt 100% into it, he was just agreeing because it is what I wanted. So I will wait. When AF arrives I will call Dr. F's office and set everything up for next cycle. I am going to ask what, if anything, they will change and also if there are any other tests that they can do to make sure we arent wasting time here. I dont really know what else to do. Somehow I have to tell everyone that it didnt work. This is why I dont like telling people about this, I need their support but I hate disappointing them. My mom really thought that this was going to work and she is going to be so disappointed, I know she wont be disappointed in me because there is nothing I could have done but she thought this was like a guarantee. I told her on Friday that there is only a 30% chance of this working and she said "Well why did Dr. F say see you when you're pregnant then?" I dont know... I dont know... I wish I would stop believing him when he says that.