5w6d

I cant believe it, we saw the heartbeat today. It was amazing. I really didnt think we were going to see it. At first I didnt see anything and for a second I thought, this is it, it's over. But then he moved the wand over a little and there it was! The fetal pole was measuring perfectly too. Dr. F said next week we should be able to hear it, it was too early this time since it had most likely just started beating. I cant believe it is there and this is actually happening! The u/s picture isnt great so I wont scan it in, something is off with the contrast but I will never forget what that little pulsing bulge looked like! I am in heaven! And to make the day even better, I got a prescription for Zofran to help with the nausea! Woo hoo!

5w4d

Ok, this is getting out of control. 4 times by lunch is too many. I cant even stay in a freaking meeting without having to run out to the bathroom. I love this baby and if this was a guarantee that everything was fine, I think I would be able to handle it a little better but it's not. I can be this sick and still not end up with a baby and I think that is what is making this hard. I am not going to go through all of this for nothing. I still think the sea-bands are helping, I think it would be a lot worse without them. I am not as dizzy as I had been, just nauseated. I need Friday to get here quick!

5w3d

So our cute little poppy is not making this easy for me. I have gone from occasional nausea to constant with dry heaving. I had to go out and get seabands today to help and they did for a while but I took them off because they were uncomfortable and the nausea came back. Luckily, I am home waiting for our new cabinets to be delivered (they were supposed to be here at noon, I am getting concerned that they arent coming) so I can just lounge in comfy clothes but I am trying to get work done and it isnt going very well. I honestly dont know how I am going to work for the next 7 weeks (as I pray that this only lasts for the 1st trimester). As much as I am complaining, I didnt experience this last time so I am taking it as a good sign, hopefully increasing nausea means increasing hcg. I think I'm going to try to finish up a few work things and then take a little nap.

Our little Poppy!

4w6d

So we had the much anticipated ultrasound this morning and I thought I was going to puke all morning, I was so stressed and nervous. There is one little sac in there and it is in the right place which is what I have been praying for. I was thrilled for about a half a second and then the worry came back. Another week until we try to see a heartbeat. He gave us a picture and it is on the fridge now. B said he is happy to see a picture of our baby on the fridge instead of everyone else's. I am happy that he is happy. 4 weeks down, 36 to go.

4w5d

Ultrasound tomorrow morning! I am so nervous!! I really hope that everything is ok but I have a hard time imagining that it will be. We're 0 for 1 at these kinds of ultrasounds. My beta doubled and that is a great sign plus it is super high, no late bloomer here. I cant believe tomorrow is Friday already, I never thought it was going to get here.

4w4d

Update: I recovered from my panic-induced state and am feeling very optimistic again. There have been a few things that led to this new found calm. First, my boobs keep growing, they are ginormous now and they hurt!! Second, I am sick. No puking yet but I dont feel right at all and am constantly eating to try to quell it. Third, I have no reason to think that there is anything wrong. My ultrasound is only 2 days away, I can make it. What I may not be able to do is take my prenatal vitamins anymore. I gag and one of these times they might not stay down. Darn floating fishy vitamins. Eww, just thinking about them makes me want to gag. Also, I made a mental note last night that eating past full is not a good idea, I almost lost that too and then I was sick for the rest of the night so I slept. I have found that I am incredibly thirsty recently, especially in the morning. I usually eat dry cereal on the way to work and over the past couple of days I could have killed for something to drink. At least that keeps me drinking water which I was not good at before. I am so excited about this pregnancy, I cant wait to see those little poppy seeds on the ultrasound screen. Ooo, I keep making reference to there being more than one, I wonder why. There is most likely only one on there. I just want to see one little poppy seed in the perfect spot.

4w2d

So today I am scared. I have worked myself into a frenzy and am convinced that this is an ectopic pregnancy because I have read that high beta levels can indicate that. How high is high? I dont know so I asked TTTC and SAIF. Women who have experienced ectopics have reassured me that my doubling betas indicate that everything is fine, even if they are on the higher side of normal. So maybe I can calm down for about an hour. I was also worried because my boobs dont hurt as much as they did but that was cancelled out by the nausea that I felt when it had been 2 hours since eating last - note to self: have lots of snacks at the ready. I bought some jolly ranchers to try to deal with the nausea for the rest of the day so we'll see how they work. I heard that lemon is supposed to help but they dont make bags of just lemon jolly ranchers so hopefully all flavors will do the trick. Crap, I just looked at the bag and there arent any lemon at all! I am going to have to do some serious candy shopping, any suggestions on where to find the best variety? Maybe I will try the bulk candy place at the mall.

I am out at a new client today and there is a girl that works here and is probably 7-8 months pregnant - she is big but not quite bursting yet. It still stung a little bit to see her. Maybe because I'm not sure how this pregnancy is going to go yet. Maybe because I feel like I havent succeeded yet. I'm not really sure but I hope I get over that soon. I cant wait for the day when I can compare pregnancies with someone.

Until then... T-4 days until the ultrasound.

PS We (I) have decided to get a doppler once the heartbeat can be heard. I know people dont like it because it can cause panic but I panic every day anyway so it can't hurt, right?

4w1d

Beta #2 is back and it is 654! Doubling time was almost exactly 48 hours. Of course, I wish it had doubled quicker but I am trying to remain positive. I go back on Friday for more blood work (including TSH) and an ultrasound. It will be too early to see a heartbeat so I think this is just to check for placement and to make sure there is only one in there. I still dont quite believe it. I am trying to talk about it to make it more real but I really cant believe that it is real. I keep wanting to ask, are you sure you are looking at my chart? Are you sure you wrote the right name on the label? Maybe I will believe it when we see a heartbeat. I keep remembering the day we found out last time and how horrible it was. That could happen at any day now, I guess I am just waiting for it or preparing for it. Anyway, I am thrilled that my betas went up like they were supposed to, I will take the rest one day at a time.

3w6d

That's right, it has been confirmed. I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HcG was 322 and Progesterone was >20 (they dont tell you a number after that). I go back Sunday for repeat blood work. I am in shock.

IUI #2 - 12dpiui

I am not changing the titles of my posts yet because I want this confirmed first. I took a digital last night that said Pregnant and an EPT this morning that was positive but when I got home this evening the line was a lot lighter. Does that mean anything? It is a different brand than the kind I took yesterday because CVS didnt have anymore of the FRER so I cant compare the 2 days. I am getting worried. I was so happy and confident today and this has ruined it. I am anxious for the beta tomorrow and more anxious for the follow up to make sure that it doubles. I just want to see it double. I am so scared. Of course I am now watching Birth Day on Discovery Health and I am crying. This is making me even more scared. What if this isnt real? What if it was the trigger? What if it doesnt last? Is it possible go through the loss and heartbreak of a miscarriage followed by a year of frustration and infertility only to miscarry again? Will I survive it? I'm scared...

IUI #2 - 11dpiui

Umm... sooo... I think I got a BFP. I mean I know the test was positive, it was obviously positive, took all of 15 seconds for those 2 pink lines to show up. I am just worried that it is leftover trigger. It is 13 days since I took the trigger, it should definitely be out by now but there is always that small chance since I didnt test it out. I called Dr. F's office to see if I can come in before Monday for a beta. I need this confirmed or I might go crazy.

I will write more later, I am at work.

IUI #2 - 10dpiui

Hmm... how am I feeling? Conflicted I think is a good answer. I was so confident and now I am feeling a little more unsure. It is almost like I am confident that it worked and confident that it didnt all at the same time. I dont think I will be surprised by either outcome. I am not feeling that urge to test that usually comes around this time. Can I hold out until Saturday? I am going to try. I think I will at least wait until Friday.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was full-term and I could make out the outline of a foot poking out so I was touching it. All of a sudden, it just kind of popped through, not gross, it was just in my hand. Then the rest of the baby came out. We drove to the hospital and I told them that the cord was still attached. I later wondered why we didnt call an ambulance. It was a girl and we named her Amelia, which is our top girl name. I was very concerned about getting the birth announcements out right away, I even saw what they looked like. I could feel the foot in my hand, it was so real. I looked in the mirror and saw my big baby belly (not unsimilar to my current not-baby-but-fat belly). Does this mean something? Probably not but it was interesting, I dont remember having many dreams like that. Here's hoping it was a look into what's to come (although maybe the birth could go a little differently).

Let's score the 2ww to see what my chances are. My temp was high but then went down yesterday. It went back up today but not as high as it had been (-1). I dont feel any different, not more gassy, extra sensitive boobs, nauseous, nothing (-1). My boobs did get pretty big (+1)but it seemed like last cycle they never really shrunk back down so maybe it is just because of that (-1, net to 0). The due date would be perfect to keep with family tradition (+1). This was the best cycle I've had so far, big mature follie plus the possibility for a second, thick lining, good numbers for the IUI (+1). So when I add that all up I get.... 0. No indication either way. Awesome. I guess I just have to wait 4 more days to find out.

In kitchen news, I am still frustrated with the tile search. I dont know where to go to find glass tile. UGH! I am starting to feel pressure to make a decision because if I have to order it and it takes a week or more to come in then I need to order soon. We are also going to have to start packing up the kitchen and dining room leaving only necessities behind. It is going to be a few weeks of eating out and microwave meals I guess!

IUI #2 - 8 dpiui

So have I told you that I'm pregnant? I am so convinced that I am pregnant this cycle, it is almost scary. I dont know why, I just have this calm, confident feeling. I had some cramping in my uterus a few days ago (I know that it was my uterus because of the wonderful cramps I experienced during the IUI). My temp has been consistently high, higher than normal for sure. And the most convincing part, if I got pregnant this cycle I would be due Nov 22. DH, his dad and brother's birthdays are all Nov 23 or 24, mine is Nov 18 and his SIL's is in Nov also. So it would only be fitting to be due in Nov. Also, our last pregnancy would have been due in November. So, all of those things combined are enough evidence for me. I am pregnant. I am still trying to hold out until Saturday to test but I am getting a little more anxious so I might not make it.

So let me tell you about my crazy dream last night. There was some kind of microscope/ultrasound gadget that I was able to look through to see the fertilized egg floating down the fallopian tubes. I saw the sperm penetrate the egg and the fertilization started. I wish I could draw a picture of what it looked like because this is how I imagine it happening. I followed all of the sperm up from my uterus into the tube and then saw that I got to a point and the sperm were swimming the other way so I went back a little bit and I saw the egg right at fertilization. Then I kept going up the tube and saw what looked like a much smaller egg (my 15mm) with less sperm around it but also fertilized. I really wish I had that instrument. I would love to be able to see inside my uterus/tubes to know what is going on in there. Oh well, I am in the 2nd week of the 2ww. Not too much longer to wait.

Last night we went to a comedy show for my cousins school. My uncles son (from a previous marriage, so like my step-cousin - we'll call C) and his wife were there. We had barely said hi, B offered to get me a soda and when he left C asked me flat out if I was pregnant. I said no and didnt really say anything else about it. I assumed it was because I had asked B for a soda instead of a beer. So I was annoyed but just left it alone. Halfway through the night B told me that C and his wife had asked him if I was pregnant. So I guess my response wasnt enough, they were convinced. This really upset me because I went from thinking it was because of the soda and became convinced it was because I am fat. I was almost in tears on the way home (another pregnancy symptom? I dont usually cry, I get angry). I may have been a little more sensitive because 2 nights before this event last year, we had found out we were pregnant for the first time. Anyway, I know I have gained weight but I am working on losing it. I have lost 7lbs by changing my diet. I cant exercise because it just isnt productive due to my IF treatment schedule. A typical cycle is like this... week 1 - depressed from getting AF, eat instead of working out. week 2 - this is the time that I could possibly work out and occasionally do. week 3 & 4 - 2ww, not working out. So how am I supposed to exercise consistently? I am well aware of the weight I have gained, I see it in pictures all the time. I guess it just seems silly to try to lose weight when I am going to be pregnant soon. A year and a half later, that doesnt seem like such a great plan but it is still hard to get motivated. I really hope I am no longer fat and just pregnant soon...

IUI #2 - 6dpiui

I am sleepy... so very, very sleepy. I wonder how I make it through the day without falling asleep at my desk. I am clumsy because my reflexes are slowed. It is altogether bad. I am blaming the prometrium. I have taken it the last 2 cycles but maybe I already have extra progesterone from the 2 follicles and so the prometrium on top of it is just overwhelming my system. Besides that, nothing really to report. My temp today was nice and high, it was the first time I had taken it all cycle but 98.48 is on the higher side of normal post-O temps. Again, I attribute this to 2 follicles plus the supplement. I have been a little crampy occasionally but nothing too bad. Lots of CM unlike last cycle. All good things but they dont necessarily mean anything. On a probably unrelated note, I am bruising like crazy! I have all kinds of nasty random bruises showing up. I dont remember getting hurt but I must have hit something and I am just extra sensitive right now. It is most likely because of the aspirin I have been taking, maybe I should cut back on that. People are going to think that I'm abused. I was considering testing out my trigger starting today but I didnt have any dollar store tests and I havent had the energy to go out and get any so I am going to wait until at least 12dpiui, hopefully 14dpiui, to pee with a purpose, as my blog friend Gia put it.

In other news, I though that the one year anniversary of my first BFP was this weekend but it turns out it was last week (I was not going by date but by an annual event that happened to coincide). I think I'm glad that I missed it, no need to dwell. I cant believe it has been a year and I am still in the same place. No closer to having a baby. A BFP this cycle would really mean a lot (not like it wouldnt any other cycle, but you know what I mean).

Kitchen update: I got an email from the counter manufacture saying the sample that I ordered was discontinued. Awesome. So I guess I need to pick new counters. I have been looking at tile and flooring but nothing has wow'ed me yet. I will keep looking. I want to wait until I have samples so I can see everything together. We are going tomorrow to finalize the cabinet layout and place our official order. I am excited to get this process started!!! I will update with our new counter choice when we finally make a decision.

IUI #2 - DONE!

I had my second of 2 IUIs yesterday morning. The cramping was way more intense than the others have been, it went all the way down my leg. And then while I was in pain the RE asked if B wanted to do the insemination. So B actually inseminated me! That was kind of neat except that I was in pain so I just wanted it to be over rather that waiting for him to get up and over there and the RE to show him how to do it. Anyway, it only took a minute or so and then it was done. Our count was down a little to 60 million with 80% motility but still good. So now we wait. I am going to do the pomegranate and pineapple thing just because it is the only think I can do to help but besides that I am going to try to keep myself busy with kitchen stuff.

We went to the kitchen design place yesterday to work on our kitchen layout. We ended up doing 2 layouts to try to maximize the space but ended up going with our original plan because I didnt think the second was as functional even though it did give us more base cabinet space. So after 3 1/2 hours, we decided on a layout, chose cabinets, countertops, a sink, a faucet and hardware. We spent so much time on the layout that I felt a little rushed choosing the actual components so I might go back and browse around to make sure everything is what I want. Also, we might be tweaking the layout just a tad. He gave us 3-D images of the kitchen layout and I have been labeling what we will use the different areas for to make sure that we have everything we need and there is no wasted space. Luckily there is a lot to do for the kitchen so it will keep me occupied during this 2ww. And if you are interested, my cabinets and counters are above.